A prayer

Hey God, I want to go back to when my calling was easy: when never being able to bless the sacraments, or baptize your children wasn’t on my radar. These days I lie in bed and try not to cry, because I know that the next six and a half years will be just as hard as the last year and a half have been. I try not to cry over the potential that I may never raise a family, as most of my peers walk down the aisle. I try not to cry over the potential that I may never stand in front of a congregation, as an ordained minister.

Being a mother is a beautiful and glorious thing. Unfortunately, being a mother, or having the potential to be, has become a plague. My uterus has limited my ability to serve you. Due to my biology, I am incapable of leading a congregation, in the eyes of many of my peers. (Here’s the deal: I don’t even like kids. It’s the truth! Kids from 3-13 get on my nerves! I babysat from the age of 11 until this past August, I worked in a very strong children’s ministry this summer, I was a VBS leader/volunteer coordinator/curriculum writer, I taught kindergarten Sunday school my senior year of high school, I’ve done children’s sermons…. I’m nineteen and I don’t like kids. I have friends that are married/ in committed relationships/ single, etc. that want kids but I don’t. Yeah I like babies, I want to eat their little fingers and smell their heads, and press their chubby soft cheeks to my face… but babies grow into kids. I loved writing curriculum for children, but you tell me to teach it to them and I will probably tell you to turf me to the youth department where they are dealing with the aftermath of a lock-in – heck turf me to the single seniors ministry where they are arguing about Revelation and whether Christ is coming back this year or next year.) I know that was not your goal when in my mothers womb, I was formed as a girl.

God, I just want to serve you. I don’t care if I make it through candidacy, because you brought me to a congregation I actually want to serve. You presented me with a pastor that cares about my heart, and wants to see me succeed whether I stay in his congregation or not. You provided me a group of people my age that pray for me, laugh with me, encourage me, confide in me, and accept me. You have given me the opportunity to serve with your people and to humble myself, and I accepted. I have rejoiced in your grace, and will continue to do so because it is right and good. I was on the boat and when I cried out to you, you calmed the storm. I just want to serve you.

I will serve you no matter where you lead me. I did not ask for you to place a calling on my heart that would destroy relationships, isolate me, and cast spiritual warfare into my life: but it has happened. I prayed for years that you would call me to something else… but you haven’t. Now I am taking the steps whole heartedly to follow this calling, and I am terrified. I am sorry I ran for so many years. I thank you for those who have picked me up and thrown me in the sea. The time I spent in the fish has taught me strength, courage, wisdom, and passion: it’s time for me to use what you have taught me. I’m done running, and you have rewarded me exponentially for my surrender.

I can’t put you in a box, nor do I want too. So with that I thank you for the tears and heart ache. I thank you for the fire in my heart that says I can’t wait six and a half years to be ordained, and I think you for the fire that proves that my gender isn’t a limitation to who I can reach out to or pour insight into. I thank you for the ministries I serve during this wait, but know that it’s not the end all be all and neither is ordination. I thank you for the lesson of never being finished, because until everyone knows who you are and the love you provide, I am never finished and that fire must burn until my last breath. Amen.


Something to Chew on

I wrote a post about Beauty a month or so back

So here I go again about female empowerment and equality: Watch this video (Warning a few curse words are uttered, but the message behind them are powerful.) “If You’re Too Grossed Out To Share This Video, Then You’re Exactly Why It Exists”

“Woman know how to let things go, how to let a dying thing leave the body, how to become new, how to regenerate.”
“Everybody I love knows how to bleed with me.”
“We gon’ introduce you to our insides. Period.”
“Bleed, and bleed, and bleed, and bleed, and bleed, on everything he loves. Period.”

Now watch this commercial: Verizon Commercial 2014

Next we will watch a commercial from Always

So what is the pattern we are seeing here? THESE ARE ALL ABOUT WOMEN

I’m an equalist, not a femanist: where are the posts about men being allowed to be themselves?

Remember the hashtag project #YesAllWomen I re-posted a month ago?
Well Claudia Guthrie posted her own list of YesAllWomen, one stating “Because a man wrote an article about how women shouldn’t cut their hair short because it makes them less appealing, as if women should dedicate their physical appearance to pleasing the eyes of men” My issue with this comment is that while I think Gavin McInnes is on of the most crude men on the internet today. He is also what the hashtag is aimed at and because I’m trying to exercise “love thy neighbor” that’s all I’m going to say. But if your looking for something to fire you up and make you want to take action read the post he wrote that this quote originally came from.

What are we doing? We are setting a precedent that men are scum and that’s all we should expect from them. WE CAN’T DO THAT!  I know that #YesAllWomen was made for women like myself to share our story, and speak out against the crap we get dealt, where are the good guys that are looking out for us.

I am thankful for men like Charles M. Blow who wrote in the New York Times about his son’s experience with YesAllWomen. I am thankful that men can believe that “Fighting female objectification and discrimination and violence against women isn’t simply the job of women; it must also be the pursuit of men. ” But it’s sad that I have to get excited about these types of things. It’s selfish of me to say I’m thankful and then disappointed, but I’m only human… See their it is, “I’m only human.” this is a common excuse used when referring to the lack of attention many put on the topic of gender equality.

Of course I had to search #YesAllMen on Twitter after reading this article in hopes that I would read a few tweets from men giving support to women, or pointing out flaws in the situation and the only mention worth tweet I found stated: “Plot twist: Women begin harassing men, because feminists made it so that men refuse to talk to women for fear of harassing them. ” I feel this tweet is mocking #YesAllWomen, but it scares me at the same time: are we scaring off the men that we are trying to promote? We have to push this issue as hard as we can, because like Blow states “83% of girls ages 12-16 have experienced some form of sexual harassment in public schools.” But the hesitation I form because of this tweet comes from Lord Acton “Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

Women want to be equal. We don’t want to rule over men, because we understand the pain it brings. Women understand that having complete power over someone else is destructive to the confidence of an individual. We don’t need validation from a man, just the same as a man doesn’t need the validation of a woman.

I need God. I need love. I know He doesn’t want me to feel inferior to a “man”, He wants me to respect my companions and honor my elders, gender aside. God expects the same thing from us all, no matter the gender, age, or (Heaven forbid I pull this in) sexual orientation:

Matthew 22:36-40Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

36 “Teacher, which command in the law is the greatest?”

37 He said to him, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.38 This is the greatest and most important command. 39 The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. 40 All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commands.