A prayer

Hey God, I want to go back to when my calling was easy: when never being able to bless the sacraments, or baptize your children wasn’t on my radar. These days I lie in bed and try not to cry, because I know that the next six and a half years will be just as hard as the last year and a half have been. I try not to cry over the potential that I may never raise a family, as most of my peers walk down the aisle. I try not to cry over the potential that I may never stand in front of a congregation, as an ordained minister.

Being a mother is a beautiful and glorious thing. Unfortunately, being a mother, or having the potential to be, has become a plague. My uterus has limited my ability to serve you. Due to my biology, I am incapable of leading a congregation, in the eyes of many of my peers. (Here’s the deal: I don’t even like kids. It’s the truth! Kids from 3-13 get on my nerves! I babysat from the age of 11 until this past August, I worked in a very strong children’s ministry this summer, I was a VBS leader/volunteer coordinator/curriculum writer, I taught kindergarten Sunday school my senior year of high school, I’ve done children’s sermons…. I’m nineteen and I don’t like kids. I have friends that are married/ in committed relationships/ single, etc. that want kids but I don’t. Yeah I like babies, I want to eat their little fingers and smell their heads, and press their chubby soft cheeks to my face… but babies grow into kids. I loved writing curriculum for children, but you tell me to teach it to them and I will probably tell you to turf me to the youth department where they are dealing with the aftermath of a lock-in – heck turf me to the single seniors ministry where they are arguing about Revelation and whether Christ is coming back this year or next year.) I know that was not your goal when in my mothers womb, I was formed as a girl.

God, I just want to serve you. I don’t care if I make it through candidacy, because you brought me to a congregation I actually want to serve. You presented me with a pastor that cares about my heart, and wants to see me succeed whether I stay in his congregation or not. You provided me a group of people my age that pray for me, laugh with me, encourage me, confide in me, and accept me. You have given me the opportunity to serve with your people and to humble myself, and I accepted. I have rejoiced in your grace, and will continue to do so because it is right and good. I was on the boat and when I cried out to you, you calmed the storm. I just want to serve you.

I will serve you no matter where you lead me. I did not ask for you to place a calling on my heart that would destroy relationships, isolate me, and cast spiritual warfare into my life: but it has happened. I prayed for years that you would call me to something else… but you haven’t. Now I am taking the steps whole heartedly to follow this calling, and I am terrified. I am sorry I ran for so many years. I thank you for those who have picked me up and thrown me in the sea. The time I spent in the fish has taught me strength, courage, wisdom, and passion: it’s time for me to use what you have taught me. I’m done running, and you have rewarded me exponentially for my surrender.

I can’t put you in a box, nor do I want too. So with that I thank you for the tears and heart ache. I thank you for the fire in my heart that says I can’t wait six and a half years to be ordained, and I think you for the fire that proves that my gender isn’t a limitation to who I can reach out to or pour insight into. I thank you for the ministries I serve during this wait, but know that it’s not the end all be all and neither is ordination. I thank you for the lesson of never being finished, because until everyone knows who you are and the love you provide, I am never finished and that fire must burn until my last breath. Amen.

One Year Blog-Aversary

As I eagerly await my chocolate chip pumpkin (gluten/dairy free) I thought I would give a brief update of life at C2K.

The last twenty-two days have been a whirlwind of relationship building, cleaning, studying, praying, crying, laughing, work, and just general moving. Like any normal move I still have things I need like a few chairs, a couch, maybe a dresser and bookcase, but those things aside I have truly been blessed. I love the work I have begun at C2K, as I begin stacking a history of our organization I find myself becoming more excited about the work we do in the community. It’s eye opening to trace something from its origin, to the point it enters your life, and I wouldn’t trade this opportunity for anything.

The last few weeks I have met some of the most amazing people, that I proud to say I get to do life with moving forward. When people ask me about my move to Oak Cliff and Tyler Street UMC I can not help but talk about how amazing everyone from the staff to the congregation has been. Its hard to find congregations that are full of families these days, but Tyler Street has grasped this concept and hasn’t let go. This sense of excitement probably comes from the geographic distance between my mom’s side of the family in Georgia, and my dad’s side of the family in West Virginia: alternatively the excitement might be found in the Trans-American lifestyle I have lived over the last nineteen years, knowing I could probably live here in Oak Cliff for a long time.

… Yes I said I could settle down here for a while.
Yes, the girl that moved to Georgia for the summer, just said she could sit still for a few years.

This feeling of course comes with a since of concern, as to keep myself in the present and stay grounded, but this concern is over ridden by the overwhelming knowledge that I am where God wants me presently.

So presently I will continue to do life with my awesome new boss, my current boss, and coworkers, as well as explore the area of Oak Cliff.
If you have read my blog over the last year (One year officially today), you know that I am a bit of a foodie, so here is a picture of the amazing lunch I had with some amazing ladies of TSUMC today.

(See mom I am eating well)

Anyway, that is how life is working presently. It feels like a l0ng way from where I was a year ago, as I sat in Bridwell Library reflecting on my desires to obtain a BA in Politics Philosophy and Economics. It is absurd to look back at the last year and say that I am the same person I was back then. I have seen and done so many new things since, that I know would not have happened, had I not surrendered to Christ. He has been so gracious, and encouraging “every bump of the way”, that I can’t imaging doing life any other way. So to leave the way this all started a year ago I will answer the question I posed back then: It is well with my soul.

How is it with your Soul?
Let me know.

Much Love,

Macy

The Coming Days

This weekend I was blessed with the experience of working with some of the most amazing pastors and children’s ministers in the NTCUMC as I watched 130 kids learn about the Bible and grow excited about exploring God’s work as they grow up. This weekend was a much needed break from city life as I prepare for the coming months.

Lets take a little trip back in time to the beginning of July 2010. I had just finished my freshman year of high school and was looking forward to the continued adventures of high school along side my best friends. I went on a mission trip to a weird state called Texas from the beautiful state of Arkansas, and though I had taken a similar trip to Houston the summer before, I was nervous to return to this flat and hot land.

Accompanied by my two best friends Henry and Michala, my mom, and youth director Michelle, and the ever so wise seniors Kevin, Jordan, and Kristen I knew we would have an entertaining trip to C2K housed in the heart of what I called Dallas. Looking back its easy to see exactly what God had in store for me.

Keep in mind The Move 2010, jump forward a year to the week of July 4th, 2011 I returned to C2K having lived in McKinney for about four months, Dallas was still a weird land of unfamiliar views and endless opportunities. This time I was accompanied by a much larger and more diverse group of students and adults, but providing me with the chance to explore my interest in leadership and missions.

Once I got settled into my new Texas life and The Move 2010 faded away, I began picking up activities I enjoyed in Arkansas such as CCYM and realized that I was constantly being pulled to the C2K facility and what I came to know as the Oak Cliff area. I graduated and C2K flew off my radar, as college and work began to occupy my mind. Working for the North Texas Conference of the United Methodist Church as an intern I have run into councilors, facility manager, employees, volunteers, etc., from my time volunteering and I always thought I was totally normal because the United Methodist Church is so connected. This summer after an unexpected meeting my dad and Jamie Nelson, the current C2K coordinator had a long discussion about the growth of this organization and the impact she wants it to continue to make on the community.

Tomorrow I obtain keys to an apartment in Oak Cliff. Tomorrow lines that God has been tracing out for me over the course of the last four years will be connected, and I will move one step closer to something bigger than myself.

As the last few weeks have unfolded and I have shared this exciting opportunity with others, it has come to my attention that the same responses are normally given:
“Are you doing that on purpose?”
“Do you own a gun?””Have you watched the news lately?”
I understand where these concerns come from (I really do), but do you really think that God would call me to Oak Cliff and leave me there saying: “You should have been more selective about when you listen to me.”?? Um no. People are dying for the gospel in other countries, and the concern is about a move to a city known for drive bys and drugs? If you are worried about me, pray for me and let me know how I can be praying for you. I don’t want to live in a world where my perspective is so jaded that I become selective about the callings I listen to from God.

I am attending a school that had you told me my freshman year of high school I would end up at, I would have laughed in your face… He doesn’t call us to what is easy, He calls us to what is necessary. I don’t know what is going to happen in the coming months, but I’m going to do my best to please God as I enter into them. If I fall, I’ll get up with God’s help.