A prayer

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Hey God, I want to go back to when my calling was easy: when never being able to bless the sacraments, or baptize your children wasn’t on my radar. These days I lie in bed and try not to cry, because I know that the next six and a half years will be just as hard as the last year and a half have been. I try not to cry over the potential that I may never raise a family, as most of my peers walk down the aisle. I try not to cry over the potential that I may never stand in front of a congregation, as an ordained minister.

Being a mother is a beautiful and glorious thing. Unfortunately, being a mother, or having the potential to be, has become a plague. My uterus has limited my ability to serve you. Due to my biology, I am incapable of leading a congregation, in the eyes of many of my peers. (Here’s the deal: I don’t even like kids. It’s the truth! Kids from 3-13 get on my nerves! I babysat from the age of 11 until this past August, I worked in a very strong children’s ministry this summer, I was a VBS leader/volunteer coordinator/curriculum writer, I taught kindergarten Sunday school my senior year of high school, I’ve done children’s sermons…. I’m nineteen and I don’t like kids. I have friends that are married/ in committed relationships/ single, etc. that want kids but I don’t. Yeah I like babies, I want to eat their little fingers and smell their heads, and press their chubby soft cheeks to my face… but babies grow into kids. I loved writing curriculum for children, but you tell me to teach it to them and I will probably tell you to turf me to the youth department where they are dealing with the aftermath of a lock-in – heck turf me to the single seniors ministry where they are arguing about Revelation and whether Christ is coming back this year or next year.) I know that was not your goal when in my mothers womb, I was formed as a girl.

God, I just want to serve you. I don’t care if I make it through candidacy, because you brought me to a congregation I actually want to serve. You presented me with a pastor that cares about my heart, and wants to see me succeed whether I stay in his congregation or not. You provided me a group of people my age that pray for me, laugh with me, encourage me, confide in me, and accept me. You have given me the opportunity to serve with your people and to humble myself, and I accepted. I have rejoiced in your grace, and will continue to do so because it is right and good. I was on the boat and when I cried out to you, you calmed the storm. I just want to serve you.

I will serve you no matter where you lead me. I did not ask for you to place a calling on my heart that would destroy relationships, isolate me, and cast spiritual warfare into my life: but it has happened. I prayed for years that you would call me to something else… but you haven’t. Now I am taking the steps whole heartedly to follow this calling, and I am terrified. I am sorry I ran for so many years. I thank you for those who have picked me up and thrown me in the sea. The time I spent in the fish has taught me strength, courage, wisdom, and passion: it’s time for me to use what you have taught me. I’m done running, and you have rewarded me exponentially for my surrender.

I can’t put you in a box, nor do I want too. So with that I thank you for the tears and heart ache. I thank you for the fire in my heart that says I can’t wait six and a half years to be ordained, and I think you for the fire that proves that my gender isn’t a limitation to who I can reach out to or pour insight into. I thank you for the ministries I serve during this wait, but know that it’s not the end all be all and neither is ordination. I thank you for the lesson of never being finished, because until everyone knows who you are and the love you provide, I am never finished and that fire must burn until my last breath. Amen.

The Darkness

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I can’t breath as reality smothers me: it’s back. A silent and slow death no one sees, but many feel. The inability to move, speak, eat, or listen. As I wait for tears to form, and become increasingly aware of the sorrow in my peers’ lives, I know all I can do is pray this feeling goes away.

Last week I finished finals and worked, just like the week before, but my schedule began to wind down as the week drew closer to an end. With every task I checked off my to do list, I could feel the weight pushing harder and harder down on me, until Friday night I found myself sitting outside a party trying to make myself go in. I never talk to people about my depression, I always refer to it has “a really dark place I found myself in spring semester last year”. No one really asks for an explanation, and I never change my answer. With that being said, these past few days I have been very open about everything going on, and feel it is appropriate and necessary to talk about this struggle that didn’t begin or end last spring.

When I tell people I have depression, I often get comments like:
“you are such a happy person, no way can you have depression.”
“what kind of idiot doctor would prescribe you an anti-depressant.”
“it’s a sin issue, not a medical issue.”
“you just aren’t praying enough.”

I would like to reassure everyone that I have prayed enough about my depression. I began seeing a councilor by my own decision, a did so for a year before seeking medical assistance a month ago. I am in a place in my life where I can distinguish the difference between when my depression is brought on by sleep/eating patterns, spiritual warfare, and the actual brain imbalance of depression. I appreciate the concern of those who want the best for my spiritual life, but a lack of understanding in regard to mental illness inadvertently hurts.

I started taking an anti-depressant a month ago tomorrow, so Wednesday was the first time since I started feeling the effects of an “episode” begin. By Thursday I went to my amazing job, but found myself trying to escape the office as soon as possible. Friday morning I grabbed coffee with friends and thought I was okay, but after being left alone at my apartment I knew I wasn’t. Friday night, like I mentioned earlier, I found myself outside a house mustering up all my energy to get out of my car and go into a party. I drank some soda at the party which ended up being a horrible idea, as it later helped initiate my insomnia. Upon leaving the party I drove to Lauren’s house, because being alone would have been a huge mistake. That night I got two hours of sleep. Saturday I woke up thinking I would be okay, but as the day progressed, my ability to function dwindled. I went to Walmart and fought back tears, upon leaving I made unsafe turns, and ran yellow lights. Lauren stayed with me Saturday night, and left before me Sunday to volunteer at the church. I was able to get myself to service, but found myself wanting to leave with every song sung, person I spoke to, and verse read. It was an off Sunday, as I sat by myself, of course I was invited to sit with many I just wanted to sit in “my spot”. I just wanted to make it to the closing song so I could go to the rail and pray, and Jamie joined me which helped as we prayed aloud for the protection and growth of our congregation and in our life, but I just wanted to be alone.

Depression sucks the joy out of blessings, and robs me of hope that things will continue to grow. I find myself in bed now, after a life group last night and errands this morning, and all I want is to be okay again. I don’t want to dread coming into contact with people. I want to glorify and praise God for the amazing environment He has lead me to, yet here I find myself in bed waiting for the day to end.

One Year Blog-Aversary

As I eagerly await my chocolate chip pumpkin (gluten/dairy free) I thought I would give a brief update of life at C2K.

The last twenty-two days have been a whirlwind of relationship building, cleaning, studying, praying, crying, laughing, work, and just general moving. Like any normal move I still have things I need like a few chairs, a couch, maybe a dresser and bookcase, but those things aside I have truly been blessed. I love the work I have begun at C2K, as I begin stacking a history of our organization I find myself becoming more excited about the work we do in the community. It’s eye opening to trace something from its origin, to the point it enters your life, and I wouldn’t trade this opportunity for anything.

The last few weeks I have met some of the most amazing people, that I proud to say I get to do life with moving forward. When people ask me about my move to Oak Cliff and Tyler Street UMC I can not help but talk about how amazing everyone from the staff to the congregation has been. Its hard to find congregations that are full of families these days, but Tyler Street has grasped this concept and hasn’t let go. This sense of excitement probably comes from the geographic distance between my mom’s side of the family in Georgia, and my dad’s side of the family in West Virginia: alternatively the excitement might be found in the Trans-American lifestyle I have lived over the last nineteen years, knowing I could probably live here in Oak Cliff for a long time.

… Yes I said I could settle down here for a while.
Yes, the girl that moved to Georgia for the summer, just said she could sit still for a few years.

This feeling of course comes with a since of concern, as to keep myself in the present and stay grounded, but this concern is over ridden by the overwhelming knowledge that I am where God wants me presently.

So presently I will continue to do life with my awesome new boss, my current boss, and coworkers, as well as explore the area of Oak Cliff.
If you have read my blog over the last year (One year officially today), you know that I am a bit of a foodie, so here is a picture of the amazing lunch I had with some amazing ladies of TSUMC today.

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(See mom I am eating well)

Anyway, that is how life is working presently. It feels like a l0ng way from where I was a year ago, as I sat in Bridwell Library reflecting on my desires to obtain a BA in Politics Philosophy and Economics. It is absurd to look back at the last year and say that I am the same person I was back then. I have seen and done so many new things since, that I know would not have happened, had I not surrendered to Christ. He has been so gracious, and encouraging “every bump of the way”, that I can’t imaging doing life any other way. So to leave the way this all started a year ago I will answer the question I posed back then: It is well with my soul.

How is it with your Soul?
Let me know.

Much Love,

Macy

Inside My Head

Back in November of 2010 I started a note on my phone like many fifteen year old girls did. This note was kept up until the same day in November of 2012. Over those two years I wrote down my biggest goals, fears, self discoveries. It was ultimately the diary of a girl finding out how the world works as she transitioned from one state to another, and explored interests that would eventually help her decide where to attend college.

Here are a few of those entries:
Nov. 28, 2010″I love old trucks. I wish people called me just to talk.  I have no idea what I want to be when I “grow up”. I want to have a deep conversation with someone in the middle of the night on a school night. I don’t have any close friends because I push them all away.”

(Undated)
“I’m terrified of everything almost all of the time.”
“I’ve dreamed of being every occupation in the world, and I’m scared I’m going to end up worthless. And I’m terrified. I wish that when I was younger I wouldn’t have had such an early bed time bc now that I’m in high school I can’t function on less that 8 hours of sleep.”

12-10-10
Currently I want to be a DJ, but that will change in less than a month. Sometimes I like to listen to sad music to remember all the things that I miss doing.

1-29-11
I think I’m going to be a History teacher. The end of the last episode of The Nanny reminds me of everything in my whole life. I never get to close to someone because I’m afraid I might get hurt.

3-1-11
I’m leaving Arkansas in less than 15 days (3-15-11) and it hurts to think I have to start over. It’s going to be extremely hard for me to leave my little brothers behind.

4-6-11
I write sermons in my head. I want to tell someone my life story, and them just sit their and listen.

5-13-11
I feel like Dallas has shown me that I need to get my life planned out. 10th grade has been such a fast year, and I feel like I have grown up alot, because of all the things it has thrown at me. I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life.

7-10-11
I feel like no matter where I am I will always feel lonely until I convince myself that I can be happy alone. I wish I would have realized that before we moved.

7-17-11
This year has taught me not to take life for granted.

7-27-11
I feel like God is calling me to His ministry, and that I will find the need in Texas.

2-10-12
Forgive and forget isn’t so easy when someone asks you to do it repeatedly.
It feels good to be real again, even if I am loosing the fakers that hack me off and stab me in the back.

6-8-12
I just want to be a delegate in 2016 at GC.

10-20-12
It’s hard to be on my own, all the time. I don’t feel like I shut people out, as badly, as I used to. I truly feel like I have made a change, but still feel like no one is willing to become close to me.

10-27-12
I don’t trust anyone, but I’m not lonely, and that realization feels so good.

11-18-12
It’s not that God is absent, is that God is moving me to make my own decisions more clearly.

11-28-12
Two years… oh man, it’s so crazy to think about how much has changed, in two years.

 

Well… almost two years have passed since the last entry was written, and here are some of the things I have learned since:

  • Consult your soul before someone else
  • You only like coffee if you drink it black, otherwise you just want to supply an addiction: the same can be said about life.
  • Don’t take what you have for granted
  • Love endlessly
  • It’s healthy to spend time with yourself for a few days, it helps you figure out who you truly are
  • Coffee and food will always be better if they accompany wholesome conversation
  • I can trust people
  • I have to trust God fully before this can take place
  • I’m an introvert that understands the importance of human contact
  • Church on Sunday mornings among my peers is important to my faith walk, without it, I struggle to stay reminded why I do anything ever
  • Personal time is important
  • like really important
  • I was born with a quality, that was strengthened by my trans-American lifestyle, many will never obtain during their lifetime: I can adapt to a functional state in every environment I am thrown into, but things get tricky the longer I am in that environment.

So with all of this being said, I look forward to a day down the road when I stumble on this post and am able to shed new light. I am excited about the new things I will learn, and who God will transform me into over these years.

 

 

 

Something to Chew on

I wrote a post about Beauty a month or so back

So here I go again about female empowerment and equality: Watch this video (Warning a few curse words are uttered, but the message behind them are powerful.) “If You’re Too Grossed Out To Share This Video, Then You’re Exactly Why It Exists”

“Woman know how to let things go, how to let a dying thing leave the body, how to become new, how to regenerate.”
“Everybody I love knows how to bleed with me.”
“We gon’ introduce you to our insides. Period.”
“Bleed, and bleed, and bleed, and bleed, and bleed, on everything he loves. Period.”

Now watch this commercial: Verizon Commercial 2014

Next we will watch a commercial from Always

So what is the pattern we are seeing here? THESE ARE ALL ABOUT WOMEN

I’m an equalist, not a femanist: where are the posts about men being allowed to be themselves?

Remember the hashtag project #YesAllWomen I re-posted a month ago?
Well Claudia Guthrie posted her own list of YesAllWomen, one stating “Because a man wrote an article about how women shouldn’t cut their hair short because it makes them less appealing, as if women should dedicate their physical appearance to pleasing the eyes of men” My issue with this comment is that while I think Gavin McInnes is on of the most crude men on the internet today. He is also what the hashtag is aimed at and because I’m trying to exercise “love thy neighbor” that’s all I’m going to say. But if your looking for something to fire you up and make you want to take action read the post he wrote that this quote originally came from.

What are we doing? We are setting a precedent that men are scum and that’s all we should expect from them. WE CAN’T DO THAT!  I know that #YesAllWomen was made for women like myself to share our story, and speak out against the crap we get dealt, where are the good guys that are looking out for us.

I am thankful for men like Charles M. Blow who wrote in the New York Times about his son’s experience with YesAllWomen. I am thankful that men can believe that “Fighting female objectification and discrimination and violence against women isn’t simply the job of women; it must also be the pursuit of men. ” But it’s sad that I have to get excited about these types of things. It’s selfish of me to say I’m thankful and then disappointed, but I’m only human… See their it is, “I’m only human.” this is a common excuse used when referring to the lack of attention many put on the topic of gender equality.

Of course I had to search #YesAllMen on Twitter after reading this article in hopes that I would read a few tweets from men giving support to women, or pointing out flaws in the situation and the only mention worth tweet I found stated: “Plot twist: Women begin harassing men, because feminists made it so that men refuse to talk to women for fear of harassing them. ” I feel this tweet is mocking #YesAllWomen, but it scares me at the same time: are we scaring off the men that we are trying to promote? We have to push this issue as hard as we can, because like Blow states “83% of girls ages 12-16 have experienced some form of sexual harassment in public schools.” But the hesitation I form because of this tweet comes from Lord Acton “Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

Women want to be equal. We don’t want to rule over men, because we understand the pain it brings. Women understand that having complete power over someone else is destructive to the confidence of an individual. We don’t need validation from a man, just the same as a man doesn’t need the validation of a woman.

I need God. I need love. I know He doesn’t want me to feel inferior to a “man”, He wants me to respect my companions and honor my elders, gender aside. God expects the same thing from us all, no matter the gender, age, or (Heaven forbid I pull this in) sexual orientation:

Matthew 22:36-40Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

36 “Teacher, which command in the law is the greatest?”

37 He said to him, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.38 This is the greatest and most important command. 39 The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. 40 All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commands.

 

Where next?

The last eight days have been fast. To put it in terms of a work week: last week I worked 40 hours, instead of 25.

But lets recap a bit:

I went to see my Meme with the kids, and we ate at Finchers.

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The kids and I lounged around a bit

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I prepped for VBS

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I got some really good prayer time in, as I talked to God about my concerns for the future, my goals, and my desire to please Him. I was able to attend a worship service Thursday night for the first time since the Sunday before Mother’s Day, and it meant so much and was exactly what I needed.
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I slept at work three days, including Friday where we looked for a red moon.

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I visited my cousins’ grandparents, and we went to Musella to get peach ice cream.

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Sunday School, where it rained, and we played games and I sweated my butt off like I do every Sunday.

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Sunday morning I was able to Facetime my crazy awesome Daddy at 6:30 AM, which was nice getting to see his face. I was very homesick this past weekend, which I’m sure had something to do with the lack of sleep, and excessive work hours.

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Today was the first day of VBS and it went way better than I expected. Part of this is from a reality check I got, after one of my boys asked, “If Esther was a Jew, how did she believe in God?” I know this isn’t a super huge deal, but getting to answer this question not only allowed me to talk a little bit of deeper Theology with this little boy, it showed me that he was paying attention. That probable doesn’t mean much to the average person, but this little boy is not a fan of church groups, and likes to be on his own, doing his own thing. After talking through this question with him, to a point that I knew he understood meant so much to me, and helped me through the rest of the day.

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Back to the peach orchard…

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Dickey’s is about 15 minutes from the road house I remember being my first house, though I live there from the age of two until the age of five. Growing up in a commuter family, it gets hard to place geographic locations on memories, an issue I have struggled with for about four years now. Being so close to my original home was strange as I had a flood of memories rush back, and I felt things come a bit full circle. Being the type of person I am, being so close to that house mean a lot, as it forced me to realized all the things I have done in my life. It also made me thankful that I serve a God that can help us sit still for a few seconds and take everything in. It also reminded me that if God tells me to go somewhere or do something, I have to do it. I would not have as amazing experiences as I have, if it weren’t for God’s plan. I am excited to see where God takes me in the future, and pray I will not let my pride get in the way of His plan.

Lack of Focus

It’s surprising how much a trip to the lake teaches. As I listen to the water crashing on the shore due to increased traffic I can’t help but think about how it is Sunday and how up into last year, I would never have let my family spend a Sunday on the lake, or anywhere but church for that matter. Second I realize why I was afraid of boats until last weekend: deep water, or water that is not clear, reminds me of death.IMG_7454

Living with my cousins these last almost two weeks has retrieved many memories, my move to Texas three years ago, buried into my subconscious. Going into this summer my goal was to better connect with my family that is now local, but thus far it is proving instead that I am getting to know myself better. I haven’t been to church for service, or even listened to a sermon, since May 4th. For my Criswellian’s reading this, yes that’s two chapel services, and three normal Sunday services I haven’t attended. Years ago this would have caused me anxiety as it would mean I missed communion, an opportunity to show my face as someone willing to serve, and seeing my friends, but after my first two semesters in school I’m learning that its not about the place of worship but the heart of the individual. That’s something I understood from a factual perspective but didn’t necessarily “get”. The only problem I have now is that I know my heart isn’t where it needs to be, and I don’t know how to get it there.

Back in June and July of 2012 I experienced my first inkling of a calling to ministry, as I suffered the lost of two very dear friendships that were severed by immature decisions and God’s will. Between my sister going to camps and both my parents working I found myself alone one morning in a town where I had no friends and was slowly losing two I wanted so badly to keep. As I tried to keep myself busy with laundry and dishes, I climbed up on our counter to wait for the dishes to finish drying and drank tea. As I was about to finish my cup, I felt a shift in my circumstances and put my phone face down so that I could no longer see the incoming texts from both parties. I was done. I had hit my breaking point. I finished my cup of tea, and instead of getting down when the dishwasher stopped, I laid down on the counter-top the cold granite on my face, and I prayed. I prayed for forgiveness as I had placed these two relationships above God’s and mine. I prayed that I would not be alone anymore. I prayed that things would turn out better. I prayed for my friends. And God came to me and laid a reassuring hand on my heart. I didn’t feel as lonely, and I felt that God would lead me to a better place in the coming weeks. Though I did not find many more friendships to fill the emptiness I felt in the worldly realm, I felt peace in my relationship with God, and was blessed with what I came to know as the closest my relationship with God has been to this day. This closeness would continue until the middle of my junior year, when I began to sink into a complacent state with my walk. Instead of reaching out for help I suppressed this feeling because I had never been taught otherwise, and continued to sink further and further until I questioned Christianity completely.

Through the guidance that year of Troy and Michelle Doucette as well as Jared and Ashley Crewse taught me the importance of transparency, and that it is okay to have questions about Christ and Christianity. My senior year I began to feel God pulling on my heart to recenter myself, but didn’t find time in such a hectic world of school, work, and not so surprisingly church. I was to busy with church to refocus on God… I wanted to, but I hit a point where I didn’t know how anymore. Senior year ended and God’s pull grew stronger, while my interests pulled me farther. Finally the end of July beginning of August God grabbed my full attention, after suffering from a concussion and upper respiratory infection after attending three church camps back to back, I was forced to stop and listen to Him as I laid in bed unable to move for five days. Yes my connection to God’s plan was fully there at the time, but I was still not in that place where God and I talked everyday and I felt full reliance on Him despite all the reasons He had presented to me.

The middle of August I started at Criswell where my doubts about attending there where erased the night of Housing Orientation, where I found an unexpected support group that would end up carrying me to this day. Through this group I have found many others who are encouraging, loving, supporting, and just all around their when I need a reality check. It is easy for me to replace my need to speak with God, with a conversation found in one of these friends, but the thirst is not quenched. Only consultations with God help. Yet, why do I feel a weight that I need more? Why do I feel that God is distant? I want to draw near to Him, to have a better relationship than two years ago, but I find the Bible boring, and I have a horrible hard time shutting up when I try to listen to God. I have prayed for help focusing, but it hasn’t come. I have prayed for the whole in my heart where I found security from a guy off and on for four years, to be healed but I still feel the pain when I think of him. I have begin to remind myself that God will provide me with what I need, when I really need it, but it’s hard not to dwell on the negative, one of my many character flaws. I’m seeking a better relationship with Christ not because it is what is expected of me, not because I want to serve in ministry, but because I know He is the only way I will ever find fulfillment.

Jesus laid His lift on the line for me. He was alone in the garden, because the disciples fell asleep. He was mocked. He endured tests by the Pharisees, and He performed miracles to save those who did not believe in Him. Jesus led the way for me, and I owe it to the man that would endure all these things, to seek a better relationship with Him. I want a better relationship with Jesus, and I can only do that by showing Him who I am, and learning who He is. I owe it to Him to look at everyday and thank Him for the sun, for a cool breeze, a moment where the pain doesn’t hurt so much, a day I am able to get out of bed because the depression is gone, a friend when I need company, an opportunity to live with and grow closer to my family, and a job where I can teach children the truth about Christ. That’s what I will do.

Week One (sort of)

This time last week I was running off seven hours of sleep between two nights of sleep, while driving fourteen hours to move into my aunt and uncle’s house.

Lets just back a few days:
Friday I went out with Jennie, Stephen, Keith and JB to Olive Garden and hung out and all that good stuff.

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Saturday, Stephen Keith Jeffrey and I tried to go to the library, after I had been cleaning the apartment for inspection, but it closed about half an hour before we got there.

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So after much persuading we went back to my apartment and studied for a few hours, but of course we had to take a break to eat, and that took three hours… I love my friends, and the conversations we have, but the time crunch school puts on conversation makes it so hard to fit all of life in. After we got done eating, we went back to my apartment, and I got about an hours worth of work done then I was totally done.

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The guys left after we all had a conversation about Jesus’ Human-ness/Divinity, always light conversation.

Sunday I woke up fully planning on going to church, but decided sometime between making pancakes and tripping over my over flowing backpack, not to go. After this decision was made, I finished my study guide for Old Testament, and then went to lunch with Keith. After lunch I went back to my apartment and took my Government Final, then was invited downstairs to continue studying with the guys. Two sweet-teas, and two monsters later and I was bouncing off the walls unable to focus on my paper. Thankfully about this time Jennie came over, and she was able to calm me a bit between laughs of hysteria and my inability to collect all my thoughts. When it came time for Jennie to leave she said goodbye, as we both thought I would not see her again before Tuesday night: my first official goodbye had come.

Monday I went to work like normal, bringing a few things to my car so I wouldn’t have to cram Tuesday night. I went to lunch with Lauren and Brenda at CFA and then we grabbed froyo, I went back to work and went to the Treymore. I had every intention of going to my apartment to finish my paper, but was intercepted and worked on it downstairs with the guys. Little did I know, Monday would bleed into Tuesday. The next few hours that ensued I will probably forget details as I get older, but I will not forget the melancholy feeling that consumed me from 5:15PM until I sat in my apartment alone with an almost completed paper at 3:30AM. Jennie and Emily were able to hangout while we all wrote our papers and took breaks to laugh, yell, and argue. Another study group even came over for a quick break, which was nice as we all got to have some laughs and all that good stuff. Brenda called be and said it was time for her to leave and so we said our goodbyes and we didn’t cry. The most sobering thing I have ever encountered was knowing that while I was in a room filled with people I loved and was loved by, all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and sleep for days. I wanted to avoid the goodbyes that could possible destroy relationships, that would separate my friends and I for the next three months, and that I was being completely selfish. God provided me with an opportunity to serve Him in a new way, out of my comfort zone, that would full forcedly confront my depression and test me in my personal relationship with Him. I was so against saying goodbye to my friends that when 12:00 came along and I was required to leave, I would not say a final goodbye. Between 12 and 3:30 I worked by butt off finishing my paper, all alone in an empty apartment with two sleeping roommates, finishing off a monster, and texting Jeffrey to keep me awake.

Tuesday was the big day, I got up a bit early as to finish some packing before work, then while at work I finished my paper, got lunch and then got off work, took a final and then took another final, packed more and turned in my paper. After getting off work I went to Treymore where I was stopped by Jeffery leading to me seeing the guys again. I should have said goodbye when I left, but I told them I would see them before I really left that night. To say the obvious I was unable to see Stephen Jeffery and JB before I left for Frisco. I should have said goodbye but my pride got in the way. I should have said goodbye but I didn’t want it to come so soon.

Tuesday afternoon Keith helped me load the rest of my stuff in my car, we said goodbye, then I said goodbye to my roommates.

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I left with out saying goodbye…to a lot of people…

 

I then proceeded to drive to Frisco, and after a little conversational detox and prayer with Michelle and Troy I went to my parents house. Dean and Haley came to send me off, and my parents presented me with a new car (which has been a blast driving around Marietta).

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Dean and Haley departed and I was left to pack the next three months into a suite case and a few bags.

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I went to sleep, woke up, and we left.

The drive was not bad until about hour seven when the rain started hitting really hard, and all I wanted was to sleep.

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(I didn’t get a pict of GA bc it was raining so badly)

I finally arrived at my Aunt and Uncles about 11:30 Wednesday night.

 

Thursday morning I was thankful for a few extra hours of sleep, before leaving for the intern retreat, that would throw my schedule off as I entered back into my own timezone. Two hours on a bus with my fellow interns consisted of question games so we could all get aquainted with each other and our bosses. We arrived at the lake house which is somewhere near Talladega Alabama, and we set up all our stuff. The girls got to sleep in this awesome bunk house decorated with tons of pictures and nicnaks. Image

We had some fun with the trinkets on the wall to say the least

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The trip was full of planning and rain, worship and boat rides, food and fellowship.

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Saturday we returned, and I was able to spend some time with my family… Oh and I broke my phone screen.
Sunday I taught Sunday School and took a tour of the facilities.
Monday was our first day and we had staff meeting and all that good stuff.
Tuesday morning my mom flew out before I woke up, and I did more fun VBS and Sunday School planning.
Today we finished our Sunday School lesson for June 1st and tomorrow we will finalize props.

I’m excited about connecting with God in new ways, and reconnected in old ways. Being removed from what is safe and easy and being put into a new unfamiliar environment is important. I’m already starting to anticipate the day I get homesick, but until then I am excited about what is to come. This summer will be good as I form new ideas and build my relationship with Christ away from all the theological jargon that goes along with a theology school. I will update as often as I can, but as the summer goes on, we all know how often that will be.

 

Beauty

Finals are coming, and my move is drawing closer, so writing papers is on my mind. Of course I would decide to outlet my need to procrastinate by blogging because that’s the only thing that makes sense, right?

I can’t be the only person that when I see the word “beautiful” I think of that scene in some Adam Sandler movie where he goes, “B-e-a-you-ti-full”.

Anyway, I am beautiful.

I am strong… I carried three loads of crap from my apartment to my car yesterday while wearing heels, so that means I’m a feminist too, right?
…But I wear makeup, so I can’t be a feminist.
But Beyonce is a feminist and she wears makeup and has a kid and is married. Okay I’m a feminist…
But I can’t be a feminist, because I’m a Christian woman so I have to submit to man, and being a feminist means I can’t do both.
I really like Beyonce, but I can’t like her because I don’t want to be associated with Beyism.
But Imperfection really inspires me to be an individual.

I always say this, but I’m going to do what I think is right, and will glorify GOD not man. I might make some bad choices, but that’s how I “learn from my mistakes”.
I’m sorry if find the music I enjoy offensive.
I’m sorry if you think I’m being rebellious.
or if you think I’m not trusting in God enough to heal my depression, by seeking medication from a doctor.
or if you take my interest in practicing Centering Prayer as sacrilegious.

My walk with Christ only becomes the problem of others, when it impedes on their ability to grow.
I am beautiful because I am pursing my walk with Christ, and finding my identity in Him. I will no longer find my identity in titles or the normal Christianese standards.

Music

So I’m not one of those Christians that believes you can only listen to religious music, because lets be honest here, sometimes it’s boring and repetitive. Not only that, but the theology of a lot of songs are straight wrong, contextually and so on. So here is a post about music that I listen to, because while sometimes it can distance you from God, when one uses it the right way, it can bring one back to where you need to be. I’m not proud that I listen to some of the stuff I listen to, but I’m not going to lie and say, “Oh no, I only listen to religious music because its the only kind that can bring you closer to God. So without further delay here is a list of what I have been listening to lately. Take this as you may, do not abuse it, and do not read to much into, but maybe you as a reader of this blog can get a better understanding of who I am from it.

Hey Ya – Obadiah Parker
Yellow – Sara BareillesBang Bang-Nancy Sinatra
Folsom Prison Blues – Johnny Cash
Little Baby Sister – Kopecky Family Band
Not Over You – Gavin DeGraw
One Headlight – The Wallflowers
The Way I Am – Ingrid Michaelson
I Don’t Want To Pray – Edward Sharpee & the Magnetic Zeros
Somebody’s Calling Me – LCD Soundsystem
Furr – Blitzen Trapper
Electric Feel – MGMT
The Youth – MGMT
Mickey Mouse – Wavves
Bottom of the River – Delta Rae
Glorified High – Sarah Jaffee
Shut It Down – Sarah Jaffee
Amber – 311
Any thing by Bright Eyes
Gravity – John Mayer
Slow Dancing in a Burning Room – John Mayer
Kyoto – Skrillex
Linger – The Cranberries
I’ll Be There For You – The Rembrants
Teenage Dream – Boyce Avenue
Dark Horse – Katy Perry
Slide – The Goo Goo Dolls
Ships in the Night – Mat Kearner
Wonderwall – Oasis
All I Want – A Day to Remember
Something – Escape the Fate
Busted Heart – for KING & COUNTRY
How to Love – Lil Wayne
Something Beautiful – NEEDTOBREATHE
This War Is Ours – Escape the Fate
And of course, big duh: Drops of Jupiter – Train