I never wanted to do it. I never created a plan. I just wouldn’t continue waking up.
I haven’t turned my computer on in over a month. So as I type, my computer dings. My computer is trying to catch up on all of the conversations I have had over the last month. The messages blur in front of my screen the way the memories of the last month flash in my mind.
I’m just trying to come back. It’s so hard. Last night I went out with friends the way I normally would, and it felt so strange. I became overtly aware of the paradigm shifts that have occurred in the last month.
I’m aware that it has been two months since I have updated on here, but truth be told, I didn’t realize it had been that long until I saw the date.
I want to be aware of what is happening in the world. I also want to hide under a rock and not handle social situations.
A few months ago I wrote, “Do you ever feel like you are losing all grips on reality? Like you can’t keep up with the days, and a minute blends into a month, and a month turns into three.” These words should have been the point where I realized how sick I am. Yes, I used the word “sick”. I am sick. I was diagnosed with a disorder that tells me just that.
I’ve started several posts over the last two months, so I’m not sure if this one will actually make it to the end.
I didn’t get much sleep yesterday, so today when I woke up and was ignoring how I felt, I thought it would pass. I went out with my parents to celebrate my birthday, and came home. I watched Netflix, talked to my roommate, and then I tried to write this post. An hour of unsuccessful focus and many computer issues later I decided to take a nap. I’ve found that I have a tendency to fall asleep when I can’t focus on things the way I want to. Anyway, I woke up and then ate with my small group. All the while struggling to stay present – to feel everything going on.
I went to the roof of the church and watch fireworks, and a few times I struggled very hard to keep myself on that roof instead of going home. I was safe and I was keeping that in mind. I lit some sparklers with a few people that wanted to hang around a bit after the majority left. A security guard drove up and made sure we weren’t vandelizing the church. Something that in the past would have immediately sent me into a frenzy. I was fine. I was safe.
So why is it that as soon as it starts raining I start having flashbacks? Why am I having issues now? I’m aware that I have had irrational thought processes over the last few weeks, but nothing like I was before I went to the hospital. Why is it that as I’m laying in bed trying to sleep I feel so unsafe? The power went out and then came back on, but all I can thing about is being stuck in the dark as it rains. Why am I laying here in the fetal position crying?
For about six years I really enjoyed the rain. I remember the first time it rained when I lived in Arkansas. I was in science class sixth period, and the teacher said, “Macy, you have seen rain before, pay attention.” She didn’t know it had been so long since I had seen rain. I was okay with rain until I found myself sleeping in a house that consistered of two air mattresses, a tv, two chairs, a mini fridge, and three wardrobe boxes of clothes. The sounds wouldn’t have been so bad had the two empty lots next to us had houses on them.
It hard for me to remember that that was five years ago.
I wanted to be okay today. I tried to fight everything coming on. Unfortunately here I am still awake. I made mac and cheese (allergy friendly, so not I’m not harming myself) to try to be okay. Parts just really needed that… and Tang. I made some Tang.
I have therapy in seven hours. I have to be awake in six hours. I have to be at work in twelve hours. I need sleep.
Lord, please help me sleep.