Summer 2013 I had just finished high school and was hanging out with some friends. We decided to pop in Silver Linings Playbook and watch it, normal summer night.
Here I sit, winter of 2015. Here I am… watching it again. I’ve been recovering, from the official diagnosis of the state of my mental health, for two years. I didn’t know back then what I know now. It is also interesting to be reminded that the way that I look at things is not the way that everyone else looks at things.
I’m okay with that. I just have to remember every now and then.
I have to remember not to put so much pressure on everyone else. I have to remember to love myself. I’m going to be okay. I just have to keep everything in perspective.
I have attachment issues. I have abandonment issues. I have an acute ability to blow things out of proportion. I believe in others more than I believe in myself, because I have boundary issues. I struggle with being alone for extended periods of time. I struggle with being in large groups for extended periods of time.
I don’t understand the line between trusting too much, and not trusting enough.
I care too deeply. I cry when it is not socially appropriate. I analyze everything to a fault.
I just want to love. I want to love people, and be loved in return. I want to experience the love of God in ways I never expect. I want to walk with him all hours of the day.
I want to find a balance between loving God and loving his people, because right now it’s not working out for me.
The hardest part is not being able to ask for help, but I have grown. The hardest part is when others don’t know how to ask for help, when I see their desperate silent cries for help, but want to protect their image instead of asking for help. I understand that anxiety and depression inhibits these qualities, but for those of us on the same team need to feel needed. We need to know that we are strong enough to love others. We are strong enough to help lighten the load. Our own loads do not always keep us from helping someone in the same situation. Honestly it has helped me find my way out of hell, and it’s one of the situations God is using to heal me.
I’m not losing my mind. These outbursts are not unsolicited. My lack of energy is totally warranted. I am allowed to feel what I feel. After seven years of manipulation, lies, secrecy, and deception, I’m letting the curtain fall and dropping the act.
I am grieving. I thought I wouldn’t have to. I thought I had grieved enough over the last eight months, but I was wrong. In thought I could handle everything being thrown at me, but I was wrong. I wanted to forget and move on, but I have known that relief will not come over night.
I no longer have to carry this load in the dark. God is guiding me every step of the way. The truth is out, and it will continue to spread. Maybe you will stop acting like everything is fine. I sure am done pretending.
May the next seven months be nothing like the hell I have experience over the last seven years.
God be my guide as I leave the darkness. Amen.