I have been asked several times, increasingly during recent weeks as the situation has occurred more frequently, what it is like to have a panic attack.
So here I am trying to write down how it feels.
When computers get old, they tend to slow down, and easily become overloaded. As this happens, the screen freezes, and often blacks out.
My brain does the same.
My thoughts become overloading, my brain forgets how to file things, and then finally it shuts down. This is the stage when all I can do is cry.
My largest source of anxiety comes from school, at the time being. It has driven my brain to going to places I never thought it would go. I have found myself in the fetal position more in the last month, than in my adult like. I have driven down the interstate, praying to be in a car accident that would put me out of class for the rest of the semester. I have layed on the floor laughing, and then suddenly burst into tears.
I know brokenness.
The part about my anxiety that no one understands, is my ability to be fine one minute, and in hysterics the next.
It comes from my taught ability to act as though everything is fine. It comes from my desire to be independent, and strong. It comes from my desire to be the voice for the voiceless. It comes from my need to fix others, so that I don’t have to focus on my pain.
This is why I have been out of sorts for the last four days.
This post is very disjointed, but I thought you should know. Maybe I am tired of hiding. Maybe I am tired of answering the same questions. I selfishly hope this helps someone realize that they are not alone.
If you are hurting, and feel like you aren’t in control, you aren’t alone.