It happened again tonight. I lost it. 

I polished off a box of mac&cheese, and started bawling as soon as I realized what I had done. Because I want to feel something other than the peices of my broken heart stabbing my chest wall, as they try to break out of my body. 

It was a night where crawling into the passenger seat is smarter than driving less than a block home. 

Where exhaustion crosses an intersection with not wanting to be along, and they decide to leave you stranded in the parking lot of a Baptist church. Where you stare at a sign that says “There is hope. There is God.” but all you want to do is drink your mothers box wine and smoke a cigarette. A night there you come home expecting to cuddle you cat, but instead are greeted with two new wounds. 

God, you do not abandon. I know that the devil wants me to believe that no one love me, but you sent someone to say, “Macy, I love you.”  God you sent someone to say, “Goodnight beautiful, just thanking God for you tonight and the amazing things you are doing for his kingdom. šŸ‘Œ” and I am reminded that you love me when I can’t love myself. 

God I want to dance with you. I want the pain to subside. I want my mind to be healed. I want children to know your love. I want all of your children to know your love does not fail.     

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Not AloneĀ 

I have been asked several times, increasingly during recent weeks as the situation has occurred more frequently, what it is like to have a panic attack. 

It sucks. 
So here I am trying to write down how it feels. 
When computers get old, they tend to slow down, and easily become overloaded. As this happens, the screen freezes, and often blacks out. 

My brain does the same. 

My thoughts become overloading, my brain forgets how to file things, and then finally it shuts down. This is the stage when all I can do is cry. 
My largest source of anxiety comes from school, at the time being. It has driven my brain to going to places I never thought it would go. I have found myself in the fetal position more in the last month, than in my adult like. I have driven down the interstate, praying to be in a car accident that would put me out of class for the rest of the semester. I have layed on the floor laughing, and then suddenly burst into tears.

 I know brokenness. 
The part about my anxiety that no one understands, is my ability to be fine one minute, and in hysterics the next. 

It comes from my taught ability to act as though everything is fine. It comes from my desire to be independent, and strong. It comes from my desire to be the voice for the voiceless. It comes from my need to fix others, so that I don’t have to focus on my pain. 

This is why I have been out of sorts for the last four days. 
This post is very disjointed, but I thought you should know. Maybe I am tired of hiding. Maybe I am tired of answering the same questions. I selfishly hope this helps someone realize that they are not alone. 

If you are hurting, and feel like you aren’t in control, you aren’t alone. 

God RedeemsĀ 

On May 4th, 2015 I knew God was doing something in Lauren Harp’s life. No matter how much she and I fought it, we both knew that it would take her away from Texas. So I began to pray. I prayed for a guy that would come in and fill one of three internship positions available at C2K, as well as the group of interns to mesh as one unit. I prayed God would send someone I could love, and needed love.  Someone I could laugh and cry with, who had experienced pain and suffering, would be exactly where he needed to be when he walked in the door, but most importantly someone that loved God and had solid faith in the Lord. God answered my prayer in ten days, as a guy that I knew was not the guy we were scheduled to meet with, but was in fact a guy I should have met on November 14th, 2014. 
On November 14th, 2014 I stood in a crowd of people I didn’t know, and tried to submerge myself in worship. I was surrounded by Tyler Street members that I barely knew, as I had only been working for C2K for about a month. During this worship service, I felt someone approaching our group, and instead of introducing myself, I just raised my hands and closed my eyes. I could not handle meeting one more person that night. Little did I know, he had been sick all night, and was not interested in meeting me either. He made his rounds with the group, and I prayed I wouldn’t have to meet him. 

That Sunday I joined Tyler Street UMC, and have been experienced much change over the last year. (I will come back to that.) 
Now as we approach the year mark of our almost meeting, and the six month mark of our actual meetings, I know we were not meant to meet that initial night. …I am also relieved we didn’t meet that night a year ago. I am thankful that God’s timing is perfect and that time is a relative term, because in God’s eyes, time holds no bonds. 
So as we have hit our six month mark (which I can’t believe! Time has flown!) I have to thank God for answering my prayers. I am thankful for a friend that has talked me through not one, but two panic attacks (one of which was two hours of me laying on the floor ugly/ snotty crying, as he sat beside me patiently waiting for things to subside.) I am thankful for a friend that loves my sister, and lends an ear when she needs it. Someone that lets me cuss for ten minutes, and then can turn around and pray with me about it for twenty minutes. Thank you for: putting up with my know-it-all attitude, asking a million times if you have offended me (the answer is still no, but thank you for asking), making Sonic runs, going grocery shopping with me, rescuing me from strobe lights, playing with my cat, the annoying high pitch voice you use sometimes, shipping me(you know what I mean), running to my apartment with a pound of sauce, eating mayo in rice, sneaking turkey into a theater, reading your devo after Jurassic World, taking me to prayer sets/Mama Heidi/hear prophecies over my semester, drinking slurpees with me, riding fair rides with me, defending me when I don’t have the strength to defend myself, telling me not to eat things I’m allergic to, understanding my obscure coping mechanisms, and teaching me that God loves me – because I didn’t know until you came along. We are not good for each other all the time, but I know for a fact that the Lord hand picked you to step into my life at exactly the right time. 
On September 10th I was able to experience God is the most intimate way I have ever experienced. I was reminded that He is my father, and that everything is redeemed. God knows every desire of our hearts. He knows every stronghold on our lives, and wants desperately to cast those things off of us. Rob, thank you for reminding me that God is not a God of rath. 

So as the weekend progresses and the weekend officially arrives, I am so excited to say that everything I prayed for two years ago has come to be. Tyler street is opening a service called Live this weekend, and I will be running the coffee bar where I get to directly support coffee bean farmers. Everything is as it is suppose to be, and God is redeeming all things.