Tonight as I sit on a couch in the Sammon wing of Dallas Methodist Hospital, listening to the rain fall and the lightning strike, I can’t help but remind myself: this is where I belong. The last two years have been a rollercoaster of emotions, adult decisions, and spiritual blessings. I have begun to experience intimacy with the Lord in ways I never expected, and it is so beautiful.
While many things have been resolved over the last two years, some issues have continued to haunt me. I still struggle with severe anxiety and depression, along with taking the issues of others too close to heart. I just care a little too much.
For those of you looking for an update on my call: I have begun the candidacy process with TSUMC, and am deciding between Deacon, Elder, and Local Pastor. I know what I want to do, I just haven’t found the right avenue to obtain it yet. I am currently dealing with the anger that comes with trying to follow protocol but not seeing results, and it might be one of the hardest things I have ever faced. I am not sure what God is trying to teach me quite yet, but when I figure it out, I will be relieved to know that my anger is worth something.
God thank you for the loving environment I am in, and the amazing individuals that are supporting me during this refining period.
Are you worried about me? I am worried about me.
Do you see the tears in my eyes? I can’t see through them.
Did you notice I couldn’t get out of bed today? It engulfed me with its promise to bury my secrets.
Do you even notice that I am lying through my teeth? I desperately need you too.
Why don’t you call me out? You have the power to save me, because right now I can’t save myself.
I am tired of fighting. I am tired of feeling. I don’t want to live like this anymore.
I thought I was okay… like I always do. I use all the coping mechanisms, yet nothing is helping.
Dad asks what is stressing me out. He doesn’t understand, and I can’t explain, how much deeper it is than that.
I almost left today, but the Lord beckoned me to stay. My roommate reached out and acknowledged the pain I feel – it’s all I needed. She comforted me and reminded me that it’s okay how I feel.
Sue at The Well shared with me tonight that she struggles with feeling like the Lord has abandoned her, and I was able to look her in the eyes and say, “God does not abandon.” I believed every word.
Hey God, it’s really hard talking to you right now, because I am too tired to fight anymore. I just need something more. Please give me something different. I need something new. Please fix me, because I can’t do this anymore. I am about to give up, God. I need you. Amen
I can’t blame you anymore, because I really am the problem. I go back through everything in my head over and over, and every time it becomes real again. Every tear, every phone call feels like it is happening all over again.
God set me free of this ghost. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to hurt others anymore.
My sorry isn’t over.
God I know you have so many plans for me, and I surrender to you. Boy is it hard to get over the places I have been. I am not meant to forget, and I am allowed to grieve, but is this really what it looks like? Is this healthy?
James 2:13 Because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment