How is it with your soul?

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A few days ago I set the above photo as my profile picture. It was was take at APEX, an organization for children to keep them safe and teach them about acting out of love and not hate, on our last day. I had just finished high school, and was about to embark on a journey to where I am today. The last night of this trip I laid in bed, as I attempted – and failed – to cry myself to sleep. Much like tonight, I ran through a list of questions regarding my future, until finally I felt I might explode. I found two wonderful woman leaders that were still awake, and summoned them to discuss my future and provide assistance in clarifying what to do next. Two years later, I lay here listening to Meghan snore softly in the bed next to me, and I still have no idea what I’m doing. Two years of suffering and I am still waiting. Two years of searching and I am still waiting. I am not alone for the first time in two years, but I feel the pain of the past as I am still waiting. I spent over a year praying to hear God’s voice and feel his presence again, and here I am on the other side still waiting for answers.

Everything I worked toward for years has gone out the window. Every faith walking sessions that has taught me how to be vulnerable has gone out the window. Every effort I have made to let people in has gone out the window. The last week has crushed my spirit, and left me so heavy. I just want to hide. I just want to be alone. I haven’t been able to cry because I stopped letting myself be vulnerable. I need it back. I need your help God. Someone please save me from myself…
I am so tired that I don’t care enough to try to hide that I’m not okay, but if you ask if I am, I’m going to lie. If the wrong people are around when you ask, I’m going to lie. If I feel like you aren’t interested in hearing the full story, I’m going to lie. If I think you will abandon me, or if I’m getting to attached to you, I’m going to lie.  If I can find an excuse not to let you in, I’m going to take it. It sucks finding myself in this place again after all the work I did, and now its down the drain.

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About macycrone

I'm just going to be real, sorry to offend.
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