Dead end

Over the last three days, I have had a lot of internal struggle with where my life is headed as well as what God expects from me in the coming months. This unsettled future has made for rash/rebellious decisions such as: cutting my own hair, washing my car in an area I know is not safe, blowing my money, driving without my seat belt, and so on. While these are minor situations, I made each one out of a direct decision to do something I knew was not a good/beneficial decision. Friday I went to dinner with Rob, and then we went to the Upper Room, and I was given confirmation by his friend Mary that I have to do what is in God’s plan no matter how angry it makes me.


All of this leads me to today, which just so happens to be the day our last group of students arrived to C2K. This morning, I woke at 7:30 sharp, got ready for church, and walked over at 8:00. I made coffee and set everything out for the hospitality team, and walked over to the children’s building for some time. I do not even know what time it was when I walked back to my apartment, but I set my alarm for 10:30 and fell back asleep. At 11:37 I woke up to find that I missed service, rolled back over and promptly fell back asleep. 1:35 this afternoon I woke up. Upon waking up I found several text messages in concern to why I missed service, if I was okay, etc.
If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me today if I was okay, I would have $11 which I could use to top off my car with gas. I’m not okay, and some of you that know me well enough looked at me and asked how I could be helped, instead of if I’m okay.
To that, I will say that it has been increasingly hard for me to be at C2K lately, as I am flooded with the memories of my summers spent as a camper. The melancholy experience of knowing how it feels to come off a high from camp, and knowing that I have chosen a career in this stage of my life, that will repeat this cycle every summer makes me nervous about the end of the week. I love my staff more than I wanted to allow myself, and fear that the bonds I have built over the last few months will be broken. This is part of an insecurity I have about people letting me down and so on. I have grown so much, and I do not want to lose the things I have learned during this time.
It has been such a joy and blessing to spend time with my community and serving God in new ways.




So with that being said, here is something to consider:
If I knew what would help, I would have already done it… Just pray for me. You do not have to tell me you are praying for me, just do it and I will know. Sometimes I will want you to extend a hand and pray with me, but if I object know that it is not you, its my inability to be vulnerable.
{More than half of you will open this post, skim it, and not get to the end. This is how we work, and I am aware of that, and honestly I don’t blame you. Who wants to read the crap I type out? Not me.}

God is calling me to a place I do not want to go. He is presenting a test to me that I would rather ignore than take. I am being called to trust him surrounding a situation that has caused me great grief, hated, self loath, furthered my inability to trust others, and stunted my growth with him. Am I angry? You better believe it. Am I going to listen? I am still trying to work on that part… I don’t really have a choice, do I?


I'm just going to be real, sorry to offend.

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