Dead end

Over the last three days, I have had a lot of internal struggle with where my life is headed as well as what God expects from me in the coming months. This unsettled future has made for rash/rebellious decisions such as: cutting my own hair, washing my car in an area I know is not safe, blowing my money, driving without my seat belt, and so on. While these are minor situations, I made each one out of a direct decision to do something I knew was not a good/beneficial decision. Friday I went to dinner with Rob, and then we went to the Upper Room, and I was given confirmation by his friend Mary that I have to do what is in God’s plan no matter how angry it makes me.

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All of this leads me to today, which just so happens to be the day our last group of students arrived to C2K. This morning, I woke at 7:30 sharp, got ready for church, and walked over at 8:00. I made coffee and set everything out for the hospitality team, and walked over to the children’s building for some time. I do not even know what time it was when I walked back to my apartment, but I set my alarm for 10:30 and fell back asleep. At 11:37 I woke up to find that I missed service, rolled back over and promptly fell back asleep. 1:35 this afternoon I woke up. Upon waking up I found several text messages in concern to why I missed service, if I was okay, etc.
If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me today if I was okay, I would have $11 which I could use to top off my car with gas. I’m not okay, and some of you that know me well enough looked at me and asked how I could be helped, instead of if I’m okay.
To that, I will say that it has been increasingly hard for me to be at C2K lately, as I am flooded with the memories of my summers spent as a camper. The melancholy experience of knowing how it feels to come off a high from camp, and knowing that I have chosen a career in this stage of my life, that will repeat this cycle every summer makes me nervous about the end of the week. I love my staff more than I wanted to allow myself, and fear that the bonds I have built over the last few months will be broken. This is part of an insecurity I have about people letting me down and so on. I have grown so much, and I do not want to lose the things I have learned during this time.
It has been such a joy and blessing to spend time with my community and serving God in new ways.

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So with that being said, here is something to consider:
If I knew what would help, I would have already done it… Just pray for me. You do not have to tell me you are praying for me, just do it and I will know. Sometimes I will want you to extend a hand and pray with me, but if I object know that it is not you, its my inability to be vulnerable.
{More than half of you will open this post, skim it, and not get to the end. This is how we work, and I am aware of that, and honestly I don’t blame you. Who wants to read the crap I type out? Not me.}

God is calling me to a place I do not want to go. He is presenting a test to me that I would rather ignore than take. I am being called to trust him surrounding a situation that has caused me great grief, hated, self loath, furthered my inability to trust others, and stunted my growth with him. Am I angry? You better believe it. Am I going to listen? I am still trying to work on that part… I don’t really have a choice, do I?

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