This week my therapist assigned me with the task of accumulating images that reflect what its like to have depression. The reality of this assignment is that, when I take pictures I use them to help me cope when I am experiencing one of the bad days, so to take photos that reflect the bad days is very difficult. Yes, I’ve taken photos like this one from March 10th of this year:
To remind myself to stay in check, but these are the pictures I do not like to share.
Here is what I have so far:
In the top photo, the blinds are raised half way up on the left side, so that I can see outside on the days I can not bring myself to get off the couch. The middle picture reflects my tendency to drive around in areas I am not familiar with, looking for someone or something that will draw me in and fill the darkness I feel in my chest. Finally, the bottom picture is representative of my spending problem that takes over when depression sets in. I go out and spend money on things I do not need, in hopes that it will kill time until something better comes along. This picture also shows that when all else fails, I grab feel good foods and start eating until I hate myself. Sometimes I even make food, just to dump it down the sink or in the trash, knowing that it wont do anything for me.
This week, for the first time, I began to drive without knowing were I was going, and did not get nervous about getting lost. While it might sound crazy, I take comfort in this because I know that it means my fear that God will abandon me is slowly disappearing, and that is something depression can not take away from me.
I know that this post does not accurately describe how depression feels, but that is all I have to say right now.