I just clocked out, so that I can write these words without guilt, as I fight the tears.
Depression is wanting to crawl under a rock and sleep for the rest of your life. Depression is having to urinate, but waiting so long that your stomach hurts and it reminds you that you are alive. Depression is wanting someone to fill the void you are feeling, but not wanting them to know how vulnerable and hopeless you feel. Knowing you have something wrong with you, and that you are acting in a way that doesn’t make sense, but nothing else makes sense.
Yesterday I ran some errands with a few interns, and I heard myself utter the words, “I know this doesn’t make any logical sense, and even as I try to explain it to you guys I know it doesn’t make sense, but it will help me stay sane if we do it this way.” I never wanted to be that person… but here I am.
I am broken. Today I feel broken. Why am I talking about all of this? I used to suppress all of this, and I was okay, because I was not trying to get better. I was just existing. I love my life in a way that I can not explain to people that are not walking beside me everyday. Something in me is broken, and I just want to fix it. I can be okay, and today I want to be but don’t know how. I am thankful that today I want to be okay, because I cannot say that I have always wanted to be okay. Things have been moving so fast, and God has been healing certain areas of my life so quickly I just have to pause and put it all down and look at what I have and be okay with it.
Jesus I know you hear my cries, and I know you are using this time to refine me, but man does it suck. I know you are my strength and you will not leave me, but I feel so worthless. I cannot gain more of your love by proving myself, and I cannot do anything that will make you turn your back on me. I find comfort in these words that used to bring me fear; I am beginning to believe them in a way I thought I couldn’t.
You are the answer, God, and I thank you for being the answer. I just need you more and more each day, and am becoming more aware of how much I need you. Protect me from my insecurities and help me find my worth, because I can only find it in you.