Pause Button

I just clocked out, so that I can write these words without guilt, as I fight the tears.

Depression is wanting to crawl under a rock and sleep for the rest of your life. Depression is having to urinate, but waiting so long that your stomach hurts and it reminds you that you are alive. Depression is wanting someone to fill the void you are feeling, but not wanting them to know how vulnerable and hopeless you feel. Knowing you have something wrong with you, and that you are acting in a way that doesn’t make sense, but nothing else makes sense.

Yesterday I ran some errands with a few interns, and I heard myself utter the words, “I know this doesn’t make any logical sense, and even as I try to explain it to you guys I know it doesn’t make sense, but it will help me stay sane if we do it this way.” I never wanted to be that person… but here I am.
I am broken. Today I feel broken. Why am I talking about all of this? I used to suppress all of this, and I was okay, because I was not trying to get better. I was just existing. I love my life in a way that I can not explain to people that are not walking beside me everyday. Something in me is broken, and I just want to fix it. I can be okay, and today I want to be but don’t know how. I am thankful that today I want to be okay, because I cannot say that I have always wanted to be okay. Things have been moving so fast, and God has been healing certain areas of my life so quickly I just have to pause and put it all down and look at what I have and be okay with it.

Jesus I know you hear my cries, and I know you are using this time to refine me, but man does it suck. I know you are my strength and you will not leave me, but I feel so worthless. I cannot gain more of your love by proving myself, and I cannot do anything that will make you turn your back on me. I find comfort in these words that used to bring me fear; I am beginning to believe them in a way I thought I couldn’t.

You are the answer, God, and I thank you for being the answer. I just need you more and more each day, and am becoming more aware of how much I need you. Protect me from my insecurities and help me find my worth, because I can only find it in you.

Just the Beginning

This week my therapist assigned me with the task of accumulating images that reflect what its like to have depression. The reality of this assignment is that, when I take pictures I use them to help me cope when I am experiencing one of the bad days, so to take photos that reflect the bad days is very difficult. Yes, I’ve taken photos like this one from March 10th of this year:

image

To remind myself to stay in check, but these are the pictures I do not like to share.

Here is what I have so far:

image

In the top photo, the blinds are raised half way up on the left side, so that I can see outside on the days I can not bring myself to get off the couch. The middle picture reflects my tendency to drive around in areas I am not familiar with, looking for someone or something that will draw me in and fill the darkness I feel in my chest. Finally, the bottom picture is representative of my spending problem that takes over when depression sets in. I go out and spend money on things I do not need, in hopes that it will kill time until something better comes along. This picture also shows that when all else fails, I grab feel good foods and start eating until I hate myself. Sometimes I even make food, just to dump it down the sink or in the trash, knowing that it wont do anything for me.

This week, for the first time, I began to drive without knowing were I was going, and did not get nervous about getting lost.  While it might sound crazy, I take comfort in this because I know that it means my fear that God will abandon me is slowly disappearing, and that is something depression can not take away from me.

I know that this post does not accurately describe how depression feels, but that is all I have to say right now. 

Reflection

{God reveal to me the words that belong in this space. Guide what I am saying, and illuminate the things you have placed on my heart. Remove the words that may come from my flesh, that I may be authentic in this space.}

My boss kicked me out of the office yesterday afternoon, and I have been banished until Sunday, so I guess this is the best time to update the remnant that have stuck with me through the last two years.

Since my last post in March, I began visiting a Christian Practice once a week to sort out things that are impeding on my walk with Christ. The remnant knows, that I know a lot about my own character – the good and the bad – and I like for things to make sense. This obviously makes therapy pleasant for me, because I can label the parts of myself that do not make sense, and work on the part of myself that I do not like. {My therapist would cringe if she read that.}
On top of my weekly visits, I have joined a group study called “Faithwalking” where we analyze why we place meanings behind actions. This group has been very difficult for me, as it dredges up memories that I happily locked away a number of years ago. It is so powerful the things that the Holy Spirit reveals when I am willing to listen.

Coupled with paying attention to my soul, Connect to the Kingdom began the summer season. We are now fully staffed, as God hand picked each staff member, and saved our butts. Seriously, I laid in bed every night for a week panicking that we would not be able to fill the two spots we had available, but why the hell was I worried? I’ve had more fun with my staff in the last month, that I have had in years.

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Yeah obviously we have a lot of crap we have to deal with, we stay up till 5am praying over C2K, we cry, we scream, we worship, but most importantly we support each other. I have never been part of such a supportive community in my entire life, and I am reminded daily where I was and that God hand picked my circumstances. Yeah I’m damn tired all the time/ I get emotionally drained because I’m functioning as an extrovert, but I love it more than anything I’ve ever done.
When I look back on the last year of my life, I realize how much awakening I have experienced. Last summer stirred in me the desire to find where I belong, and the desire to work on my value in Christ. Right now I don’t know where I will be in two months, and when I look at where I was two months ago I laugh because it just reinforces the point. While I worry myself with not knowing what I’m doing I’m working on finding comfort in that. The reality of my situation is that the rest of my staff doesn’t know where they are going to we in two months either, and they are some of the most wonderful Christians I know. We are twenty-somethings so we have all screwed up pretty big, but God will not abandon us…

That fact is something I’m working on internalizing. God will not abandon me. He will not abandon me. He won’t abandon me. I’m going to be okay because God won’t abandon me. I will not be abandoned by God. Everyone else may abandon me – I have been abandoned – God will not abandon me. I am not alone, because God has not and will not abandon me.

I promised myself in January that I would work on being happy, and do things that encourage that spirit in my life. I thank God for putting people in my life that make me happy, and help me slow down when I am spinning out of control.

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XO