A Month of SilenceĀ 

As I stood outside the car, with the smell of rain lingering around me like a dark fog, I saw the woman I thought she was – disappear into the woman she really is. I forgot every memory of love, every lesson of life, every comforting smile, as it all melted into what I now deem a lie. It has all been a lie.

As the night progressed, I felt the stench of her lies soaking into my skin, the smell smothering me like smoke in the lungs. The thoughts swarmed in my head “What should I do? No one will believe me, can I even trust myself? This has to be a joke.” When the rain began to pour outside, I went and retrieved the car, hoping it would wash away my discoveries, and quiet the thoughts that would surely blowup. How could no one hear the questions screaming to get out of me?

When I leave my therapist’s office every week, I press the down arrow to descend to the parking garage, and as the doors close me in I always crack a smile and right back a laugh. It’s laughable… No: it’s fucking hilarious that this is where I have ended up. In an elevator every week because I can’t look at you anymore. How did I get here?

Now weeks have passed since the incident and here I sit rolling over what will happen in the coming hours. In a few days, I will stand in that elevator with you, and fight back the laughter. You will probably cry, and I will want to look at you in disgust. I won’t, because I’m not allowed to for my fathers sake.

I want to love you the way I did when I was a child. Sadly we are miles from those days, and so is our relationship. Sin has creeped into my heart, and I want to stay bitter and hurt but I’ll forgive you because that is what I’m suppose to do. As the rain pours against my window, I know it can’t wash away the past, but I pray it will clean the black schmuck that has stained my heart.