I always wait until the strangest times to update this darned blog. It might have something to do with the joy I find in writing out my thoughts. Probably because I never edit my posts, and I get warmth from purging the chills in my bones onto this forum.
Tonight I reached out for help, and was shot down. It’s interesting the human brain. We so desire to be wanted and needed, yet we can’t reciprocate those feelings to others when they need it most. I’m trying so hard… I just want everyone to know they are loved. I want to know I am loved. It is a weakness in my walk – one I don’t work on as much as is needed. I push and I push hoping to be pulled back. Fearing that God will walk away.
I like throwing pity parties for myself. If you are a loyal reader, you are very much aware of that. This is a pity party, and I know its not healthy, but I just feel like I don’t know how to talk about this party of my life out loud in a productive manor anymore. I don’t know. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t able to hear my own thoughts, its quite a tragic thing. I am intelligent, and normally level headed, but right now I just want my brain to reset. I want to erase the sinful desires I possess, my need for validation by others – especially men -, my lack of interest in gaining more knowledge: I just want it to go away.
I want to go for a walk in the cold tonight, but I know I shouldn’t. Instead I sit on my bed, surrounded by my friends who sleep, typing my thoughts as fast as my fingers will allow. I just need to get away. I just need to escape.
I can’t escape. For once in my nineteen years I have the ability to stay somewhere for more than five years, and all I want to do is run. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to stick around, I don’t know how to push through the hard times because the good times are so good. I normally get to run away at this point, start over, build a new name for myself… I don’t know what I am doing. This is uncharted territory and I am dying on the inside. God give me strength, that I don’t push others away. I just want to love… I just want to love you.