Inside My Head

Back in November of 2010 I started a note on my phone like many fifteen year old girls did. This note was kept up until the same day in November of 2012. Over those two years I wrote down my biggest goals, fears, self discoveries. It was ultimately the diary of a girl finding out how the world works as she transitioned from one state to another, and explored interests that would eventually help her decide where to attend college.

Here are a few of those entries:
Nov. 28, 2010″I love old trucks. I wish people called me just to talk.  I have no idea what I want to be when I “grow up”. I want to have a deep conversation with someone in the middle of the night on a school night. I don’t have any close friends because I push them all away.”

“I’m terrified of everything almost all of the time.”
“I’ve dreamed of being every occupation in the world, and I’m scared I’m going to end up worthless. And I’m terrified. I wish that when I was younger I wouldn’t have had such an early bed time bc now that I’m in high school I can’t function on less that 8 hours of sleep.”

Currently I want to be a DJ, but that will change in less than a month. Sometimes I like to listen to sad music to remember all the things that I miss doing.

I think I’m going to be a History teacher. The end of the last episode of The Nanny reminds me of everything in my whole life. I never get to close to someone because I’m afraid I might get hurt.

I’m leaving Arkansas in less than 15 days (3-15-11) and it hurts to think I have to start over. It’s going to be extremely hard for me to leave my little brothers behind.

I write sermons in my head. I want to tell someone my life story, and them just sit their and listen.

I feel like Dallas has shown me that I need to get my life planned out. 10th grade has been such a fast year, and I feel like I have grown up alot, because of all the things it has thrown at me. I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life.

I feel like no matter where I am I will always feel lonely until I convince myself that I can be happy alone. I wish I would have realized that before we moved.

This year has taught me not to take life for granted.

I feel like God is calling me to His ministry, and that I will find the need in Texas.

Forgive and forget isn’t so easy when someone asks you to do it repeatedly.
It feels good to be real again, even if I am loosing the fakers that hack me off and stab me in the back.

I just want to be a delegate in 2016 at GC.

It’s hard to be on my own, all the time. I don’t feel like I shut people out, as badly, as I used to. I truly feel like I have made a change, but still feel like no one is willing to become close to me.

I don’t trust anyone, but I’m not lonely, and that realization feels so good.

It’s not that God is absent, is that God is moving me to make my own decisions more clearly.

Two years… oh man, it’s so crazy to think about how much has changed, in two years.


Well… almost two years have passed since the last entry was written, and here are some of the things I have learned since:

  • Consult your soul before someone else
  • You only like coffee if you drink it black, otherwise you just want to supply an addiction: the same can be said about life.
  • Don’t take what you have for granted
  • Love endlessly
  • It’s healthy to spend time with yourself for a few days, it helps you figure out who you truly are
  • Coffee and food will always be better if they accompany wholesome conversation
  • I can trust people
  • I have to trust God fully before this can take place
  • I’m an introvert that understands the importance of human contact
  • Church on Sunday mornings among my peers is important to my faith walk, without it, I struggle to stay reminded why I do anything ever
  • Personal time is important
  • like really important
  • I was born with a quality, that was strengthened by my trans-American lifestyle, many will never obtain during their lifetime: I can adapt to a functional state in every environment I am thrown into, but things get tricky the longer I am in that environment.

So with all of this being said, I look forward to a day down the road when I stumble on this post and am able to shed new light. I am excited about the new things I will learn, and who God will transform me into over these years.






I'm just going to be real, sorry to offend.

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