A Hairy Situation

Over the years my hair has served as an identity. Being person I am, who until recently didn’t understand the lengths society goes to in order to put pressure on appearance and the hidden messages we are spoon fed from birth, I never saw anything wrong with the things I do/did in order for it to “look good”. Over the last year I have easily spent $90 on boxes of hair dye alone, but this does not include “other products” I have used such as: peroxide, apple cider vinegar, lemons, limes, oranges, eggs, cinnamon, brown sugar, coconut oil (bc I stripped all the oil out of my hair on three separate occasions), honey, baking soda, salt, vinegar, dawn (thankfully I did not use laundry detergent because it was suggested but I read pages of reviews and started to find ones saying it makes your hair fall out (don’t judge me, as least I do my research)).

The scary part about all of this in my opinion: I have done things like this my whole life.

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(2007) Long hair was is style, I finally was allowed to get rid of the stupid kid bangs most moms force their daughters to have for the first ten years or so of their life, so I was excited.

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(2008) Getting a bit more independent, I’m a southern girl, so short hair is generally accepted due to the heat. Low maintenance, and I got to chop my hair off with out mom suggesting it.

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(2009) I did the bob, it was in style and flashy enough to get attention. I was entering high school, trying to figure out who I was so it made sense (no).

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(2010) Enter the bangs, I grew out the bob, and traded it for bangs which fit my personality better which at this point I was starting to figure out what that meant and how to deal with it. Also, my forehead is huge and after being told that for X number of years it gets to you. I had a small stage between the bob and bang period where I dyed my hair one shade darker and it was cute but not very noticeable.

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(2011) Welcome to the braid years. In this picture you can very clearly see on your right my braid a.k.a. rat-tail, or Padawan. I sharpied it blue (as depicted here). The braid symbolized an understanding of the the importance of staying grounded, which I have often let become my identity of the years be it good or bad. Also, rare forehead picture.

2012 had some really “ugly” dye jobs (mostly because I still liked my hair when I dyed it and regretted doing it) so I don’t have any pictures from that (sorry not so sorry, but sort of in the “I’m not supposed to be ashamed but red is not my color” kind of way.)

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(2013) Senior year – rule the world – go off the college – get a great job – party with my friends – stereotype – stereotype – blah blah blah. My bangs are too short, because I cut them at home in the sink right before this picture was taken, and I didn’t even go to the school we were celebrating me getting into. Major dye job going on.

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More of 2013 as I continued to do dying and forehead covering, the picture at the bottom the color is faded, and no one would care or notice, but I trained myself to point out those types of things probably due to all the chemicals that seeped directly into my brain.

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So the purple hair was king of all dye jobs, totally rebellious and meant to emphasize my ridiculous “I don’t care what you think” personality. What it taught me is that I like being outlandish, and drawing attention to myself.

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   The color is faded and I redid it about two weeks after this picture.

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Dyed right over the purple and this was about a month after the picture above.

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(2014) See the difference in color? I dyed it again between the picture above and this picture.

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After dying over the purple a million times and it just getting worse to the point my head looked like a giant gradient sheet, I did a “color oops” kit, which jump started my hairs evolution back into its natural color.

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Remember the braid from 2011? yeah, it survived all those transitions.

 

So why does any of this matter? Because tomorrow I am getting my hair professionally fixed. I am saying goodbye to the braid, I am saying goodbye to dying, and I am saying goodbye to letting the opinions of any and everyone with a mouth define and control me as an individual. I have allowed Social Norms and trends to dictate my decisions, and I am done. Tomorrow I start fresh, not just with this haircut, but spiritually. My relationship with God has suffered because I have allowed myself to listen to the world instead of God.

IMG_8715So here I am tonight, no makeup, discolored hair in my eyes, braid undone, fully content in who I am.

 

 

My Prayer moving forward:
Hey God, please give me strength as I let go of the mistakes I have made in the past. Please help me to move forward in this journey, and not let the past trip me up. Renew me in you, as I surrender everything, as look to the future. Amen.

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Inside My Head

Back in November of 2010 I started a note on my phone like many fifteen year old girls did. This note was kept up until the same day in November of 2012. Over those two years I wrote down my biggest goals, fears, self discoveries. It was ultimately the diary of a girl finding out how the world works as she transitioned from one state to another, and explored interests that would eventually help her decide where to attend college.

Here are a few of those entries:
Nov. 28, 2010″I love old trucks. I wish people called me just to talk.  I have no idea what I want to be when I “grow up”. I want to have a deep conversation with someone in the middle of the night on a school night. I don’t have any close friends because I push them all away.”

(Undated)
“I’m terrified of everything almost all of the time.”
“I’ve dreamed of being every occupation in the world, and I’m scared I’m going to end up worthless. And I’m terrified. I wish that when I was younger I wouldn’t have had such an early bed time bc now that I’m in high school I can’t function on less that 8 hours of sleep.”

12-10-10
Currently I want to be a DJ, but that will change in less than a month. Sometimes I like to listen to sad music to remember all the things that I miss doing.

1-29-11
I think I’m going to be a History teacher. The end of the last episode of The Nanny reminds me of everything in my whole life. I never get to close to someone because I’m afraid I might get hurt.

3-1-11
I’m leaving Arkansas in less than 15 days (3-15-11) and it hurts to think I have to start over. It’s going to be extremely hard for me to leave my little brothers behind.

4-6-11
I write sermons in my head. I want to tell someone my life story, and them just sit their and listen.

5-13-11
I feel like Dallas has shown me that I need to get my life planned out. 10th grade has been such a fast year, and I feel like I have grown up alot, because of all the things it has thrown at me. I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life.

7-10-11
I feel like no matter where I am I will always feel lonely until I convince myself that I can be happy alone. I wish I would have realized that before we moved.

7-17-11
This year has taught me not to take life for granted.

7-27-11
I feel like God is calling me to His ministry, and that I will find the need in Texas.

2-10-12
Forgive and forget isn’t so easy when someone asks you to do it repeatedly.
It feels good to be real again, even if I am loosing the fakers that hack me off and stab me in the back.

6-8-12
I just want to be a delegate in 2016 at GC.

10-20-12
It’s hard to be on my own, all the time. I don’t feel like I shut people out, as badly, as I used to. I truly feel like I have made a change, but still feel like no one is willing to become close to me.

10-27-12
I don’t trust anyone, but I’m not lonely, and that realization feels so good.

11-18-12
It’s not that God is absent, is that God is moving me to make my own decisions more clearly.

11-28-12
Two years… oh man, it’s so crazy to think about how much has changed, in two years.

 

Well… almost two years have passed since the last entry was written, and here are some of the things I have learned since:

  • Consult your soul before someone else
  • You only like coffee if you drink it black, otherwise you just want to supply an addiction: the same can be said about life.
  • Don’t take what you have for granted
  • Love endlessly
  • It’s healthy to spend time with yourself for a few days, it helps you figure out who you truly are
  • Coffee and food will always be better if they accompany wholesome conversation
  • I can trust people
  • I have to trust God fully before this can take place
  • I’m an introvert that understands the importance of human contact
  • Church on Sunday mornings among my peers is important to my faith walk, without it, I struggle to stay reminded why I do anything ever
  • Personal time is important
  • like really important
  • I was born with a quality, that was strengthened by my trans-American lifestyle, many will never obtain during their lifetime: I can adapt to a functional state in every environment I am thrown into, but things get tricky the longer I am in that environment.

So with all of this being said, I look forward to a day down the road when I stumble on this post and am able to shed new light. I am excited about the new things I will learn, and who God will transform me into over these years.