BUT WE ALL KNOW I WON’T!!
As I mentally prepare for the next three weeks, where VBS consumes my life with a prep week and two teaching weeks, I watch Scrubs. I am reminded that I have submerged myself in too many forms of media the last few weeks, that I need to catch up on my reading, and that though I want so badly to say I am doing loads better in my spiritual walk that would be the full truth.
These last two weeks have been a lot better, after seeing lots of my family, and settling into my job, as well as getting back into more frequent prayer times. With all that being said, I can’t help but be aware of the lack of comments I have heard from God. This could come from a number of things – my domination of conversation, a subconscious decision to block Him out in order to “protect” myself, my attitude toward work, the way my parents and I have been treating each other, my idolization of my ex, glutinous behaviors I carry out without batting an eye, or my constant battle with feeling worthless because of all these things – but I haven’t seen my psychologist in about a month so I don’t really know the answer and my destructive personality disables me from delving into these problems alone. Man this sounds more like a diary than a blog…
I missed Annual Conference this year. I cried for two days. I had an argument with my parents this week. I cried for a day. I yelled at my earthly and my spiritual life givers this week. Both sets yelled back, one verbally, one metaphysically. I want to shut them out, but what good would that do? None
I’m really not as down as this post makes it out to be, but I just get so tired of the same crap. God teaches me patients in ways I would never wish on anyone. He teaches me lessons time and time again, but I don’t learn.
I just want to do. I’m tired of waiting around.
It’s so frustrating floundering around like an idiot, trying to cope with loss, and hoping to find a small dose of companionship from your coworker because your eight and five year old cousins aren’t doing the trick.
What am I afraid of? My dreams turning into the thing that causes me the least amount of joy in life, and I turn out unhappy up until the very end. I’m afraid of being stuck in this eternal silence, where I am unhappy and can only get a leg up for a minimal amount of time.