As a warning this post, like ever other post I write, sounds way more negative than I want it to, but I think that is just the downfall that comes with being blunt about one’s spiritual walk. So with that being said, feel free to read on.
Just to start, that’s how long its been since last Monday.
VBS was fun and all that jazz, I got to tell kids what to do, talk to the youth department staff on a regular basis, and went on a cute little field trip on Friday with fourth and fifth graders… But it wasn’t enough. I didn’t paint a house, I had a few Jesus-y conversations with one of my kids, but it wasn’t what I wanted and it wasn’t what I needed.
(I did however have fun with the interns on Sunday afternoon and today at outreach)
Over the last few years I have been reassured 1000 times over that I am not called to work in the upper class, or even the upper middle class… or really even the middle middle class. I can’t deal with people that think they know everything, often brought about by the sheer fact that they have everything. Yes I am grouping people, and yes I am part of this group, but the difference in my head is that I don’t want to be. I want to be poor, I want to be broken, I want God to hurry up and finish this breaking process so that I can be fully servant to Him. I want to live in the slums, I want to get my hands dirty, I want to go hungry a meal here or there, because I’ve been taught that that is reflective of a strong spiritual life.
But here I am with a boring spiritual life, living in a rich town, where I don’t really fit in. (I mean this is literally textbook stuff.) I live on edge, moping about my spiritual life, because I don’t know what to do differently to fix the same problem I’ve tried a million different ways to fix. Its like riding a roller coaster for months on end:one minute you are climbing, and the next your just moving forward no bumps or drops, you just wait for something new to happen.
I want to serve because it means I am doing something worth doing. I want to build a house because I know it will benefit others. I’m not looking for praise or approval, I just want to know I’m doing something for the betterment of others. Essentially, I just want to know I’m not getting in the way of someone’s spiritual growth, or reflecting poorly on Christ and His people as a whole. I have recently realize that I come off as annoying to others, because I don’t hold back my negative opinions about everythinggggg. This is rooted in my desire to be the same person 100% of the time, but it comes off that I am ungrateful for all the good God has done. I need to work on this. My negativity could keep someone from seeing the light God shines, because my dark negative attitude gets in the way.
It feels like a lifetime ago that I was able to say I accomplished something with a servant heart, because I have been so down and unsure about where I am going in my life. I want to follow God, I want to serve Him fully, but I have to do something radical to be a servant (which is untrue). I gave up trying to figure out where God wants me to be along time ago, because I stopped getting answers (I’m still in the silence period of my walk, if you didn’t catch on to that earlier) so I got frustrated and stopped asking questions. As I try to get back into a healthy routine of prayer I regret more and more my decision to stop in the first place and again I get frustrated. I think I would feel more comfortable about the lack of understanding I have about my calling, if I were enjoying my job more, knew what to do when I got back to Frisco, was reassured that I was even suppose to stay in Frisco, and a load of other questions – but here I am super uncomfortable.
It feels like a lifetime ago the last time I wasn’t having to start over. But I am for the billionth time this month, and as I try to push past the scepticism and jadedness I am looking for a better relationship with Christ. I want it now more than ever, because I fear this continual pattern will never end.
I pray for God’s voice, and I pray for the healing of those with lonely hearts, that they may find that He can heal the deepest wounds.