A Lifetime Ago

As a warning this post, like ever other post I write, sounds way more negative than I want it to, but I think that is just the downfall that comes with being blunt about one’s spiritual walk. So with that being said, feel free to read on.

 

Just to start, that’s how long its been since last Monday.

VBS was fun and all that jazz, I got to tell kids what to do, talk to the youth department staff on a regular basis, and went on a cute little field trip on Friday with fourth and fifth graders… But it wasn’t enough. I didn’t paint a house, I had a few Jesus-y conversations with one of my kids, but it wasn’t what I wanted and it wasn’t what I needed.

(I did however have fun with the interns on Sunday afternoon and today at outreach)

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Over the last few years I have been reassured 1000 times over that I am not called to work in the upper class, or even the upper middle class… or really even the middle middle class. I can’t deal with people that think they know everything, often brought about by the sheer fact that they have everything. Yes I am grouping people, and yes I am part of this group, but the difference in my head is that I don’t want to be. I want to be poor, I want to be broken, I want God to hurry up and finish this breaking process so that I can be fully servant to Him. I want to live in the slums, I want to get my hands dirty, I want to go hungry a meal here or there, because I’ve been taught that that is reflective of a strong spiritual life. 

But here I am with a boring spiritual life, living in a rich town, where I don’t really fit in. (I mean this is literally textbook stuff.) I live on edge, moping about my spiritual life, because I don’t know what to do differently to fix the same problem I’ve tried a million different ways to fix. Its like riding a roller coaster for months on end:one minute you are climbing, and the next your just moving forward no bumps or drops, you just wait for something new to happen.

I want to serve because it means I am doing something worth doing. I want to build a house because I know it will benefit others. I’m not looking for praise or approval, I just want to know I’m doing something for the betterment of others. Essentially, I just want to know I’m not getting in the way of someone’s spiritual growth, or reflecting poorly on Christ and His people as a whole. I have recently realize that I come off as annoying to others, because I don’t hold back my negative opinions about everythinggggg. This is rooted in my desire to be the same person 100% of the time, but it comes off that I am ungrateful for all the good God has done. I need to work on this. My negativity could keep someone from seeing the light God shines, because my dark negative attitude gets in the way.

It feels like a lifetime ago that I was able to say I accomplished something with a servant heart, because I have been so down and unsure about where I am going in my life. I want to follow God, I want to serve Him fully, but I have to do something radical to be a servant (which is untrue). I gave up trying to figure out where God wants me to be along time ago, because I stopped getting answers (I’m still in the silence period of my walk, if you didn’t catch on to that earlier) so I got frustrated and stopped asking questions. As I try to get back into a healthy routine of prayer I regret more and more my decision to stop in the first place and again I get frustrated. I think I would feel more comfortable about the lack of understanding I have about my calling, if I were enjoying my job more, knew what to do when I got back to Frisco, was reassured that I was even suppose to stay in Frisco, and a load of other questions – but here I am super uncomfortable.

It feels like a lifetime ago the last time I wasn’t having to start over. But I am for the billionth time this month, and as I try to push past the scepticism and jadedness I am looking for a better relationship with Christ. I want it now more than ever, because I fear this continual pattern will never end.

I pray for God’s voice, and I pray for the healing of those with lonely hearts, that they may find that He can heal the deepest wounds.

 

 

Where next?

The last eight days have been fast. To put it in terms of a work week: last week I worked 40 hours, instead of 25.

But lets recap a bit:

I went to see my Meme with the kids, and we ate at Finchers.

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The kids and I lounged around a bit

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I prepped for VBS

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I got some really good prayer time in, as I talked to God about my concerns for the future, my goals, and my desire to please Him. I was able to attend a worship service Thursday night for the first time since the Sunday before Mother’s Day, and it meant so much and was exactly what I needed.
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I slept at work three days, including Friday where we looked for a red moon.

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I visited my cousins’ grandparents, and we went to Musella to get peach ice cream.

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Sunday School, where it rained, and we played games and I sweated my butt off like I do every Sunday.

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Sunday morning I was able to Facetime my crazy awesome Daddy at 6:30 AM, which was nice getting to see his face. I was very homesick this past weekend, which I’m sure had something to do with the lack of sleep, and excessive work hours.

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Today was the first day of VBS and it went way better than I expected. Part of this is from a reality check I got, after one of my boys asked, “If Esther was a Jew, how did she believe in God?” I know this isn’t a super huge deal, but getting to answer this question not only allowed me to talk a little bit of deeper Theology with this little boy, it showed me that he was paying attention. That probable doesn’t mean much to the average person, but this little boy is not a fan of church groups, and likes to be on his own, doing his own thing. After talking through this question with him, to a point that I knew he understood meant so much to me, and helped me through the rest of the day.

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Back to the peach orchard…

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Dickey’s is about 15 minutes from the road house I remember being my first house, though I live there from the age of two until the age of five. Growing up in a commuter family, it gets hard to place geographic locations on memories, an issue I have struggled with for about four years now. Being so close to my original home was strange as I had a flood of memories rush back, and I felt things come a bit full circle. Being the type of person I am, being so close to that house mean a lot, as it forced me to realized all the things I have done in my life. It also made me thankful that I serve a God that can help us sit still for a few seconds and take everything in. It also reminded me that if God tells me to go somewhere or do something, I have to do it. I would not have as amazing experiences as I have, if it weren’t for God’s plan. I am excited to see where God takes me in the future, and pray I will not let my pride get in the way of His plan.

I Should Delete This and Start Over

BUT WE ALL KNOW I WON’T!!

 

As I mentally prepare for the next three weeks, where VBS consumes my life with a prep week and two teaching weeks, I watch Scrubs. I am reminded that I have submerged myself in too many forms of media the last few weeks, that I need to catch up on my reading, and that though I want so badly to say I am doing loads better in my spiritual walk that would be the full truth.

These last two weeks have been a lot better, after seeing lots of my family, and settling into my job, as well as getting back into more frequent prayer times. With all that being said, I can’t help but be aware of the lack of comments I have heard from God. This could come from a number of things – my domination of conversation, a subconscious decision to block Him out in order to “protect” myself, my attitude toward work, the way my parents and I have been treating each other, my idolization of my ex, glutinous behaviors I carry out without batting an eye, or my constant battle with feeling worthless because of all these things – but I haven’t seen my psychologist in about a month so I don’t really know the answer and my destructive personality disables me from delving into these problems alone. Man this sounds more like a diary than a blog…

I missed Annual Conference this year. I cried for two days. I had an argument with my parents this week. I cried for a day. I yelled at my earthly and my spiritual life givers this week. Both sets yelled back, one verbally, one metaphysically. I want to shut them out, but what good would that do? None

I’m really not as down as this post makes it out to be, but I just get so tired of the same crap. God teaches me patients in ways I would never wish on anyone. He teaches me lessons time and time again, but I don’t learn.

I just want to do. I’m tired of waiting around.
It’s so frustrating floundering around like an idiot, trying to cope with loss, and hoping to find a small dose of companionship from your coworker because your eight and five year old cousins aren’t doing the trick.
What am I afraid of? My dreams turning into the thing that causes me the least amount of joy in life, and I turn out unhappy up until the very end. I’m afraid of being stuck in this eternal silence, where I am unhappy and can only get a leg up for a minimal amount of time.