Darkness

Black

Heart pounding

A bitter taste only His body can sweeten

I can’t fall back into this

 

My head says, “I wont do it”

as I see the darkness creeping into the corners of the room.

 

If I said I struggle with depression everyday

I would be lying.

Wait…

Let me clarify:

 

It’s what I think about every morning when I wake up, “Will I be okay today?”.

 

Sometimes when I think I’m okay, it whispers in my ear,

“You can’t do that paper today

instead your brain will be so full of crap

you can’t even remember what subject it’s for.”

 

Sometimes I can’t stay awake because the darkness is so heavy it glues my eyelids shut.

 

Sometimes I lay in bed at night

Thank God for a good day

And in the same stream, pray tomorrow won’t be black.

 

 

If I said I don’t struggle with depression everyday

I would be lying.

Wait…

Let me try something different this time:

 

Let me change my

Diet

Sleep pattern

Spiritual practices

Friend group

Job

Outlook

Self

 

*Sigh* I can’t become apathetic or complacent

I am okay

I will be okay

Get On With It

Well I’m back to procrastinating…

My Brain in form of dates:
Gov’t Paper due in sevenish daysMy last Wednesday volunteering at Bobtown two days
Three weeks until finals begin
Three weeks and two days until I move to Georgia
Two weeks and one day since I told you goodbye for good
One week since things got better
Three days since I got two times the shocker
One day since Jesus rose from the dead
0 Days until I feel in control of my life
To many days until I accept it is for the better that God controls my life

 

Stop Procrastinating, it will only make school longer.

I just want to do

I’m tired of preparing to do

I guess that why I’m procrastinating

 

 

 

I guess I should move my fresh squeezed lemonade to the side, turn down Killing Me Softly With His Song – Roberta Flack, and get on with my life.

Who Is God to me?

Today I thank God for community.

I thank God for the ability to get everything I set out to get done, done, despite my low expectations it got done.

I am thankful I was given strength to get out of bed and go to church, as last week I was not able to claim that. The depression was crippling, and my self confidence was way below where it needed to be.

Today I read that “The greatest influence of how you view yourself is your perception of how the most important person in your life views you.” and I realized that: A) I have not been viewing God as the most important person in my life, and of course branching from that B) my walk with Christ is no longer the beautiful loving and encouraging relationship I once had.

I have things to work on.

I knew this before, but I realized the severity today, as I reevaluated myself in lots of ways.

Today I can say tomorrow will be easier than today, because it gets easier the more I work to get back to a good place.

I am a people person, at my very core.

I hope that next year I can get back to a place where I am sharing in a spiritually uplifting environment instead of one that I feel I have to hide my opinion. I was reminded today that I am very much a relationship oriented person, and that my relationships with others directly reflect my walk with Christ. I have to get back to a safe environment.

Today was great because I got back to where I need to be in terms of a growthful conversation with one of my friends here.

Today I am excited about tomorrow, because I am getting back on track.

I am thankful and praise God for renewal, and loving me no matter my mistakes I do not allow myself to forget.

Thank you, God.

Nostalgic Disfunctionalism

I feel it tonight

When October Goes plays in the background, and I question whether I should thank John Brown for making me feel this way. When music uproots feelings I want so badly to suppress with sweet tea and leftovers I found in the fridge.

I thought I was above this: I am humbled.

I have to decide if I want to be happy or not.

Eight minuets drift by, and I still have to read for class.

I hear my roommate turning her key, and I snap back to reality.

I have to make a decision: I can’t keep doing this.

Music

So I’m not one of those Christians that believes you can only listen to religious music, because lets be honest here, sometimes it’s boring and repetitive. Not only that, but the theology of a lot of songs are straight wrong, contextually and so on. So here is a post about music that I listen to, because while sometimes it can distance you from God, when one uses it the right way, it can bring one back to where you need to be. I’m not proud that I listen to some of the stuff I listen to, but I’m not going to lie and say, “Oh no, I only listen to religious music because its the only kind that can bring you closer to God. So without further delay here is a list of what I have been listening to lately. Take this as you may, do not abuse it, and do not read to much into, but maybe you as a reader of this blog can get a better understanding of who I am from it.

Hey Ya – Obadiah Parker
Yellow – Sara BareillesBang Bang-Nancy Sinatra
Folsom Prison Blues – Johnny Cash
Little Baby Sister – Kopecky Family Band
Not Over You – Gavin DeGraw
One Headlight – The Wallflowers
The Way I Am – Ingrid Michaelson
I Don’t Want To Pray – Edward Sharpee & the Magnetic Zeros
Somebody’s Calling Me – LCD Soundsystem
Furr – Blitzen Trapper
Electric Feel – MGMT
The Youth – MGMT
Mickey Mouse – Wavves
Bottom of the River – Delta Rae
Glorified High – Sarah Jaffee
Shut It Down – Sarah Jaffee
Amber – 311
Any thing by Bright Eyes
Gravity – John Mayer
Slow Dancing in a Burning Room – John Mayer
Kyoto – Skrillex
Linger – The Cranberries
I’ll Be There For You – The Rembrants
Teenage Dream – Boyce Avenue
Dark Horse – Katy Perry
Slide – The Goo Goo Dolls
Ships in the Night – Mat Kearner
Wonderwall – Oasis
All I Want – A Day to Remember
Something – Escape the Fate
Busted Heart – for KING & COUNTRY
How to Love – Lil Wayne
Something Beautiful – NEEDTOBREATHE
This War Is Ours – Escape the Fate
And of course, big duh: Drops of Jupiter – Train

Getting Through

“God’s love for you is not going to change.”

These are the words that will get me through today.

You way not love Him, but He loves you.
If that’s not enough to peak your interest, how about the fact that no matter the resentment you have toward Him, He still loves you.

You are loved.

You are prized.

Nothing can separate you from God’s love.

Do you not believe me? What about Psalms 136?

It’s your duty to God to love Him back.

Stop putting yourself in situations that draw you away from Him. Don’t you owe Him at least that much?

 

 

As I continue to fight the darkness in my life, I will cling to these things. I’m learning who God is in my life, and that’s all that gets me through. If your struggling the way I am, I encourage you to read about Job, or even Jeremiah, maybe even Lamentations, but if you don’t find comfort in those stories read the book of James 1:2-4. This verse was literally the only thing to get me through the first time I struggled with the darkness of satan.

God loves us, but that doesn’t bring comfort until we understand who God is as He works in our lives.