I see blue and white lights in my rear view mirror, as I prepare to move with the cars around me, as if one unit. I realize the officer is driving down the sidewalk, and that I can’t help in any effective way, so I go back to sitting slightly reclined in my seat. Ed Sheeran plays in the background, as it’s the only thing I can stand to listen to at the moment, but I don’t listen to the words because I’m to busy listening to my own.
I tell myself that I’m being stupid and over-dramatic: I have no reason to be upset. Tears swell in my eyes, and I think about how much I’ve wanted to run away over the last four days. I thought that driving a collective five hours and fifteen minuets over twenty-four hours, would help me get it out of my system, but I guess not. I think about all of the reasons I should be happy, and feel blessed – but I don’t. I just feel alone. I’m suppose to put all my fears and trust, in God, but I don’t want to. I’ve tried to put my hopes in God, but I’m tired. I want to fix someone else, not myself, and it’s not fair that I can’t get things right and keep them that way.
I was “called” to this place, so why is everyday a battle? Everything was really great for a long time, but now everything is changing and not for the better. If I sit in an empty pew one more time, I might really lose it. God, why did you bring me here? Why are things getting harder? I just feel so empty and alone. Why can’t I be a success story, about a girl who goes to college and finds where she belongs right off the bat?
We are suppose to confess our sins to each other, but how do I do that, when showing weakness is looked down upon. How can I be vulnerable to a perfect God, in a broken and imperfect world? Even as I type this, I am thinking about ways that I can look completely put together, but I know I can’t think like that.
Reader, you may be thinking, “Why in the world is she posting all her dirty laundry on this blog?” because this is part of my journey. I will look back at these moments, and remember the pain: I will remember the loneliness. Whatever I have ahead of me, will have been built on moments like tonight, when I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of the nightmares and what tomorrow has in store. “She’s faking it, this post just totally did a 180.” Do you really think I can fake sincerity at 1:05 AM? Because let me tell you, the answer is ‘Heck NO’. I’m sucking it up, and moving on. I’m dying on the inside, but one day I will look back and be happier, and that’s how I can share all of this with you, the reader. This might not be rock bottom, but at the end of the day it will get better at some point… I might have to wait until I’m dead for it to get better, but I’m not suppose to enjoy my time on Earth, right?