Rock Bottom?

I see blue and white lights in my rear view mirror, as I prepare to move with the cars around me, as if one unit. I realize the officer is driving down the sidewalk, and that I can’t help in any effective way, so I go back to sitting slightly reclined in my seat. Ed Sheeran plays in the background, as it’s the only thing I can stand to listen to at the moment, but I don’t listen to the words because I’m to busy listening to my own.

I tell myself that I’m being stupid and over-dramatic: I have no reason to be upset. Tears swell in my eyes, and I think about how much I’ve wanted to run away over the last four days. I thought that driving a collective five hours and fifteen minuets over twenty-four hours, would help me get it out of my system, but I guess not. I think about all of the reasons I should be happy, and feel blessed – but I don’t. I just feel alone. I’m suppose to put all my fears and trust, in God, but I don’t want to. I’ve tried to put my hopes in God, but I’m tired. I want to fix someone else, not myself, and it’s not fair that I can’t get things right and keep them that way.
I was “called” to this place, so why is everyday a battle? Everything was really great for a long time, but now everything is changing and not for the better. If I sit in an empty pew one more time, I might really lose it. God, why did you bring me here? Why are things getting harder? I just feel so empty and alone. Why can’t I be a success story, about a girl who goes to college and finds where she belongs right off the bat?

We are suppose to confess our sins to each other, but how do I do that, when showing weakness is looked down upon. How can I be vulnerable to a perfect God, in a broken and imperfect world? Even as I type this, I am thinking about ways that I can look completely put together, but I know I can’t think like that.

Reader, you may be thinking, “Why in the world is she posting all her dirty laundry on this blog?” because this is part of my journey. I will look back at these moments, and remember the pain: I will remember the loneliness. Whatever I have ahead of me, will have been built on moments like tonight, when I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of the nightmares and what tomorrow has in store. “She’s faking it, this post just totally did a 180.” Do you really think I can fake sincerity at 1:05 AM? Because let me tell you, the answer is ‘Heck NO’. I’m sucking it up, and moving on. I’m dying on the inside, but one day I will look back and be happier, and that’s how I can share all of this with you, the reader. This might not be rock bottom, but at the end of the day it will get better at some point… I might have to wait until I’m dead for it to get better, but I’m not suppose to enjoy my time on Earth, right?



I'm just going to be real, sorry to offend.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s