“What are you running from?” Mrs. Kelly asked me, with a concerned look on her face, after listening to my prospective plans for this upcoming summer.
A can of worms opens inside my head, as I consider consistent conversations that, jokingly as they may be, go like:
“When are you going to make us brownies again?” – Guy
“Well I don’t have any brownie mix right now, so it will probably be a while.” – Me with a sassy tone
“Well… there’s the door… hahah.” – Guy *points to the door*
“We need to have a conversation about who’s right, and who is wrong.” – Guy2 *in regard to women having authority over men, and women in such spiritual leadership roles*
“I don’t see why it is necessary to establish who is ‘right’ and who is ‘wrong’, unless God Himself comes down, and says, ‘Hey I was kidding about you being a pastor”, I’m not changing my mind about Him placing that calling on my heart.” – Me
*Guy2 goes on about how if we aren’t pursuing God, we are getting a Biblical degree for the wrong reason, and that it’s unnecessary to come just for a degree, and the Bible backs up his belief etc., etc.,*
These guys are both amazing men of God, that are willing to go out on a limb, to help you up when you are down, even when they are the ones that push you down to begin with. Both guys were very appoligetic, in regard to possibly offending me, but how can they go from being great and compassionate guys one minute, to blunt bigots the next minute? That is why it is so hard to be friends with these guys. Is a relationship, that will not last, worth building?
First semester, I consciously focused on opening up to people, be it through sharing my calling, or asking for help when I need it. This semester, being only two weeks in, I have not been making this conscious effort, but more trying to survive now that I am working two jobs. How is it, that now that I’m not trying to open up to people, I’m more open than when I wanted to be? Isn’t that a little screwed up?!?
To get back to Kelly’s question, I’m running from the following: If I’m going to be limited on how I am allowed to use my calling, what is the point of having one?
If the Bible is inerrant, I don’t know if I want to be a Christian.
I don’t want to be a part of a group that is excessively hypocritical.
When I go to bed at night, feeling completely defeated, what am I gaining from this? I don’t think it’s spiritual growth, because at this point, I don’t want to pray or read my Bible after fighting with people all day.
Why would God bring me to this school?
Who wouldn’t have a hard time waking up every morning, when the first thought that crosses their mind is, “I hope no one picks on me about my calling today.” or even, “Why am I still here?”
Sometimes I wish God would just take me now, but then I think, “What if I’m not really saved, I don’t want to go to Hell, I’m so scared to die.”
Why do we shoot our wounded?