What are you running from?

“What are you running from?” Mrs. Kelly asked me, with a concerned look on her face, after listening to my prospective plans for this upcoming summer.

A can of worms opens inside my head, as I consider consistent conversations that, jokingly as they may be, go like:
“When are you going to make us brownies again?” – Guy
“Well I don’t have any brownie mix right now, so it will probably be a while.” – Me with a sassy tone
“Well… there’s the door… hahah.” – Guy *points to the door*

Or even:
“We need to have a conversation about who’s right, and who is wrong.” – Guy2 *in regard to women having authority over men, and women in such spiritual leadership roles*
“I don’t see why it is necessary to establish who is ‘right’ and who is ‘wrong’, unless God Himself comes down, and says, ‘Hey I was kidding about you being a pastor”, I’m not changing my mind about Him placing that calling on my heart.” – Me
*Guy2 goes on about how if we aren’t pursuing God, we are getting a Biblical degree for the wrong reason, and that it’s unnecessary to come just for a degree, and the Bible backs up his belief etc., etc.,*

These guys are both amazing men of God, that are willing to go out on a limb, to help you up when you are down, even when they are the ones that push you down to begin with. Both guys were very appoligetic, in regard to possibly offending me, but how can they go from being great and compassionate guys one minute, to blunt bigots the next minute? That is why it is so hard to be friends with these guys. Is a relationship, that will not last, worth building?

First semester, I consciously focused on opening up to people, be it through sharing my calling, or asking for help when I need it. This semester, being only two weeks in, I have not been making this conscious effort, but more trying to survive now that I am working two jobs. How is it, that now that I’m not trying to open up to people, I’m more open than when I wanted to be? Isn’t that a little screwed up?!?

To get back to Kelly’s question, I’m running from the following: If I’m going to be limited on how I am allowed to use my calling, what is the point of having one?
If the Bible is inerrant, I don’t know if I want to be a Christian.
I don’t want to be a part of a group that is excessively hypocritical.
When I go to bed at night, feeling completely defeated, what am I gaining from this? I don’t think it’s spiritual growth, because at this point, I don’t want to pray or read my Bible after fighting with people all day.
Why would God bring me to this school?
Who wouldn’t have a hard time waking up every morning, when the first thought that crosses their mind is, “I hope no one picks on me about my calling today.” or even, “Why am I still here?”

Sometimes I wish God would just take me now, but then I think, “What if I’m not really saved, I don’t want to go to Hell, I’m so scared to die.”


Why do we shoot our wounded?






Rock Bottom?

I see blue and white lights in my rear view mirror, as I prepare to move with the cars around me, as if one unit. I realize the officer is driving down the sidewalk, and that I can’t help in any effective way, so I go back to sitting slightly reclined in my seat. Ed Sheeran plays in the background, as it’s the only thing I can stand to listen to at the moment, but I don’t listen to the words because I’m to busy listening to my own.

I tell myself that I’m being stupid and over-dramatic: I have no reason to be upset. Tears swell in my eyes, and I think about how much I’ve wanted to run away over the last four days. I thought that driving a collective five hours and fifteen minuets over twenty-four hours, would help me get it out of my system, but I guess not. I think about all of the reasons I should be happy, and feel blessed – but I don’t. I just feel alone. I’m suppose to put all my fears and trust, in God, but I don’t want to. I’ve tried to put my hopes in God, but I’m tired. I want to fix someone else, not myself, and it’s not fair that I can’t get things right and keep them that way.
I was “called” to this place, so why is everyday a battle? Everything was really great for a long time, but now everything is changing and not for the better. If I sit in an empty pew one more time, I might really lose it. God, why did you bring me here? Why are things getting harder? I just feel so empty and alone. Why can’t I be a success story, about a girl who goes to college and finds where she belongs right off the bat?

We are suppose to confess our sins to each other, but how do I do that, when showing weakness is looked down upon. How can I be vulnerable to a perfect God, in a broken and imperfect world? Even as I type this, I am thinking about ways that I can look completely put together, but I know I can’t think like that.

Reader, you may be thinking, “Why in the world is she posting all her dirty laundry on this blog?” because this is part of my journey. I will look back at these moments, and remember the pain: I will remember the loneliness. Whatever I have ahead of me, will have been built on moments like tonight, when I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of the nightmares and what tomorrow has in store. “She’s faking it, this post just totally did a 180.” Do you really think I can fake sincerity at 1:05 AM? Because let me tell you, the answer is ‘Heck NO’. I’m sucking it up, and moving on. I’m dying on the inside, but one day I will look back and be happier, and that’s how I can share all of this with you, the reader. This might not be rock bottom, but at the end of the day it will get better at some point… I might have to wait until I’m dead for it to get better, but I’m not suppose to enjoy my time on Earth, right?